Day 149: My Relationship with the Word ‘Creator’ 3

p1001xPlease read the previous two posts, day 147/148, for context to this blog.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not the creator of myself and my world and thus I am not responsible because everything is being done TO me, instead of AS me (so living in re-action versus being the directive force)  as who I am in every  thought, word and deed .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give the ultimate authority –the author/the living word- over myself, as my mind/beingness/body  within and my physical circumstances without- to a male figurehead either in the sky as in god/universe or in my life as in husband/boss/father/etc.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to hope he is benevolent as he is the decision maker whether I live or die, how I live and die, how others live and die, so I am helplessly at the whim of this creator and resigned to just go through the motions, ‘make the best of it’ -this life of no control-robotic and depressed.

Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then believe that if this creator, god or male authority figure, rejects me, I am ‘doomed to death’ so I better damn well please him/suck up to him/try to be good enough for him or else! In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot take care of myself on my own-stand on my own financially and emotionally, as well within my agreement with my husband, to think my contribution financially and homemaker duties are not enough when it is clearly working/agreed upon/equal AND within my online course, that my contributions are not enough, when I am facing myself each day, breath by breath, and will do more as I am able, being in a process.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the following emotions and feelings around my relationship and associations to the world ‘creator’ :  fear of death/fear of homelessness/fear of poverty/fear of exposure-cold/fear of loneliness, anger, resentment, blame, self-blame, less than/inferiority, helplessness, hopelessness, greed, self-importance/vanity/narcissism, gratefulness, awe, respect/love.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of failure-not good enough character/fear of death/arrogance/gratitude onto a being-real or imagined-other than myself so I don’t have to face myself in self-responsibility as the creator of my life and my world but am more comfortable externalizing the consequences of my every thought, word, and deed throughout my life, onto another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create massive consequence within my relationships and associations to the word ‘creator’ throughout my life, some of which are the following:  I spent much of my adult life concerned with my own self-interest/religion of self, in self-pity because I did not have a cottage, wanting fame and fortune through songwriting (thought this was what my ‘higher power’ wanted for me but it was just my mind/pre-programming), somewhat obsessed with looks/image as a woman, fashion, desiring an extravagant home because I allowed myself to be directed by greed and superficiality.  Another consequence is that I put myself at a disadvantage financially,emotionally and mentally by relying on luck, hope, romantic love-dependency, god’s good grace-prayers answered, chance, dependency upon family -assuming I was not the creator of the circumstances/events in my life (I do understand in this world, there are circumstances which are beyond our control) because I did not trust my own self /common sense in that I would be better off taking control, as much as I was able to, within different events happening throughout my life.

Another consequence, due to my relationship and associations within the word ‘creator’ is that I closed my eyes (to some degree-not completely) to the suffering of others and did not ‘love my neighbor as myself’ and ‘give as I would like to receive’ so fed into the material world by not speaking out about abuse and purchasing products in which animals/people/the plant kingdom/the oceans were being abused and depleted.  Why?  Because I did not experience first hand their suffering, I could ignore it by not reading about it/not watching the news and remain in my bubble/comfort zone pretending everything was fine in the world because everything was mostly fine in my comfortable world.  Another consequence is that I suffered horribly, by living in the past and blaming, with mental illness and alcoholism as I could not, at the time, see any other ‘answer’ to the emotional pain I was facing than attempt to escape what ‘fate had dealt me’ by going inward into fantasy/prayer/spirituality and then music writing and drinking alcohol and isolating.

To continue in the next post

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