Please read the previous posts, day 147-150, for context to this blog. Continuing…
So, how do I practically walk the change/the solution, being a new relationship, one of total responsibility , within the word ‘creator’?
When and as I see myself participating with inner talk/backchat around the word ‘creator’ and all my associations within this word I immediately stop and breathe, bringing my awareness back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand this is a part of the pattern/reaction of the character ‘I’m not good enough’ who goes into fear of death/harm and self-interest, who blames circumstances on another, who puts men in little boxes and gives the box a label, who ‘complies’ and accepts the role of victim. As this is ineffective, for my own life and as part of the whole of humanity, I no longer allow myself to engage.
When and as I see myself engaging in inner chatter connecting ‘creator’ to some spiritual force, I stop and remind myself No More, I do not allow my awareness, my ‘who I am’ to be defined as such energies/words, as in apathy and resignation or peace/love/light, in which I abdicate responsibility for the extensive abuse in this world, thus I stop and I breathe and commit me to change.
When and as I see myself connecting the word ‘creator’ to a picture of a man-my father/husband/boss/older man/etc-and believing he has authority/power over me, I should comply/please him/live up to his standard/think I am not one of his favorite ones as in I’m not special-a winner/I am disposable so I should be even more cautious than others— I stop I breathe and bring myself out of my mind as I now see/realize/understand THE ONLY ONE I NEED TO BE ACCEPTABLE TO IS MYSELF, and as I can trust myself to make responsible decisions from the starting point of what is best for all, I can relax and get on with living and not just existing in fear of what someone else will do to me to punish me. I also realize this fear of punishment is based on the past as memories of my father in my childhood and is not reality today.
*When and as I see myself reacting with emotions and feeling in association to the word creator-in relation to the past- I bring myself back to the physical with breath and state clearly No More, I do not allow myself to be controlled by these energies of fear/anger/helplessness, I am me here and I am able to discern fantasy from reality and act-not just react- in self-responsibility to move myself confidently and trust myself, more and more, within my process of self-discovery. I breathe until I regain stability (no more energy movement within) and continue with my day.
*Note: this does not mean one does not express themselves in self-honesty in the moment, of course we should as this is life and reality here, so not to suppress/stuff down what you feel, for example, if I saw the birth of a child and I felt such joy it brought me to tears, then cool, let it out. It is not to carry the past around as memories and react to the present -from the starting point of these memories, which is the point of this exercise.