Day 157: Taking Responsibility for Blame

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRmluZ3JpZHNjaGFlZmVyMS5maWxlcy53b3JkcHJlc3MuY29tJTJGMjAxMyUyRjA0JTJGMTY4MTA5XzEwMTUwMTY1OTY0OTI0OTY2XzU5OTM3NDk2NV84NTcyMTc2XzgxMTM1Nzlfbi5qcGclM0Z3JTNENjIwJTI2aCUzRDQ2NQ==Please refer to Day 155 & Day 156 for context to this blog.

From the preveious post:   I have been doubting my decision to not socialize with someone in my life. This is a man, my partner’s good friend, who recently spit from his wife. We did many things together over the last 7 years and all enjoyed ourselves extensively. It is unfortunate that their marriage has ended but he has ‘moved on’ and is dating another woman. My partner and I were discussing the possibility of him asking us, sometime in the not too distant future, to meet/spend time with this new/or some other new woman in his life and I shared my concerns with my husband. This caused some stress between my partner and I.  I will examine this situation here in this blog.

Thought:  I don’t want to meet his new girlfriend. I think that he was wrong to leave his wife and I don’t like that he hurt her.

Walking the solution:  Commitment statements and self-corrective application statements

When and as I see myself becoming judgement within the above thought, assuming this man is wrong and I am right to blame him for ending his marriage, I stop and I breathe, bringing my awareness back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand I have no right to judge this man as I do not know all the circumstances/reasons behind his decision, blame only divides and polarizes all involved in this situation, I am actually using blame to validate myself (my anger about my own past) within self-interest so I ‘feel better’ being ‘right’ and making him the ‘bad guy’ who is ‘wrong’, blame does not change the situation but could cause the consequence of harming another.

When and as I see myself being directed by fear within this situation I immediately pull myself back down to earth and stabilize myself with breath. I remind myself I am allowing an energy, that I have given a negative charge to, to tell me how to feel and behave in this moment and it is actually not reality, it is living from the starting point of the past, as I now understand the past experiences I have had do not have to be in control of how I act today, I have common sense and can see my life is stable today, I can speak with the wife (in this situation) and share/support her with what she is going through, I do not have to be in the company of someone I am uncomfortable with and can decline an invitation from this man should it arrive, when I am in this man’s company in a group ( AA or a party situation) I can trust myself to remain ‘here’ with breath and not go into my mind of memories and associations around divorce, everyone is one and equal, man and woman, and I no longer allow myself to discriminate based on the past.

When and as I see myself participating in internal conversation/backchat around this situation, I stop and breathe, and bring myself back to the physical as I now realize I am only talking to my own memories, which is going to then bring up emotions and result in harming my physical body, the memories are not to be trusted-not reality- as I have changed them to suit my need to be ‘right’ & continue playing the character of;  the wronged one/the poor single mother/the victim, I often desire vindication (within these internal conversations) from the past and in this case was using this situation to validate my feeling of hate/mistrust of men in general/husbands and I do not allow this within and as myself any longer, I do not have to play the role of protector of  this woman as she is quite capable of dealing with the circumstances of her life and it is just nasty gossip when the starting point is ‘the man was wrong and the woman was right’, it is not truly supportive for the other person as it is really self-interest in disguise, to make me feel superior/strong when I was feeling inferior/weak so replacing one polarity with another instead of remain here as stability, as I do not require to feel anything at all because it is over/was the past and not reality in this moment.

When and as I see myself participating and engaging with pictures/imaginings in my mind around this issue, I stop and bring my awareness back down to earth, to what is here and real, before me in my day. I remind myself it is not assisting to me or anyone else to deal with a present situation from the starting point of the past, as it clouds what is really before you, finally, I cannot effectively direct myself here when I am lost in my mind of imagination.  So, I  tell myself  ‘NO MORE, I do not accept my awareness, my ‘who I am’ to be defined within such images/energies. I commit me to change!’

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