Day 161: Solution to ‘All or Nothing’ Thinking of the Paranoid Alcoholic 2

self-forgiveness-only-option1Please refer to the 2 previous post, Day 159 and Day 160,  for context to this blog.

From the previous post:  Where did my extreme thinking come from ?  Why did it manifest? …So basically, throughout my 18 years living in my parents home, I never knew which home I was going home to.  And the two experiences were opposites to the extreme!  One home I dreaded/felt under attack, the other I welcomed and felt safe and secure.

How does this extreme thinking manifest today?

In my marriage I can see this extreme thinking, often when my partner and I have an argument or I am concerned about money.  I can go from being quite stable and content within my life to imagining/planning my great escape in my secret mind, as in getting my own apartment and then going into fear and anxiety about surviving on my own and then going into guilt about hurting my partner and our children.  All unnecessary and quite ridiculous.  These revenge fantasies are a waste of time and do not solve the issue at hand. All I require to do, I now realize after examining this issue within the act of daily blogging (applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application), is to stop and breathe, to stay out of my mind and assess the situation calmly, then to direct myself within my day and, when the time is appropriate, to discuss the matter using common sense with my partner, and not go into my mind of the past-with associations and relationships from past memories -while remaining with breath AND IT ALWAYS WORKS. No drama required!

When I was an active alcoholic, the ‘all or nothing’  thinking would manifest much more absurdly, like;  ‘I am going to write a song today and it must be a hit song so I can make some money to keep the house for my children and show them ‘dreams come true’ as this will make me a good mom and I can buy them things to show them my love’, obviously putting insane pressure on myself, to the point I could not even enjoy the creative process as much as I should have, and living in delusion of fame and fortune not to mention living in extreme self-interest. So any small step I could take/took was never enough and this was ultimately self-defeating and self-sabotoging. I also beLIEved my ‘higher power’/god wanted me to write music ‘for the good of all’  but in common sense how could this be?  What difference would it make?  Is a song so important?  Of course not!  It was my mind, consciousness, based in self-interest and survival,  relying on my ego, needing/desiring to be special/important, which enslaved me and it worked all right!

I see this ‘all or nothing thinking’  within my participation with my online course, being very productive one day to the point of over doing it, and then the next day feeling exhausted and having to get caught up with family/work  responsibilities. So back and forth to the extreme, really going for it and then giving up, like ‘I can’t do this anymore, there is not enough time’. So as I continue to allow myself to relate to the internal conversation and the emotions, they build and build until I can’t not stand the stress anymore-overload, panic, time to bail, time to run!  This in turn leads to a lack of consistency, therefore little forward movement step by step, day by day, which is the recipe for success. The fear of failure and rejection becomes overwhelming and so to escape the negative energy experience of fear of failure, one tends to replace it with a positive  energy experience as an escape, so I reach out for a sweet treat or go rollerblading or have a nap or just plain give up and do not complete my daily tasks/commitments.  Instead, I tell myself  ‘I am free, ah, thank god that is over’ and I feel relieved and so that is ‘good’.  When all I require to do is to apply/direct myself daily within stability, having a reasonable schedule/plan and sticking to it.  That means dedication and perseverance, something the alcoholic finds difficult because it’s not exciting, it’s normal=boring to the alcoholic mind, which is quite immature.

I also see this ‘all or nothing thinking’ within my family life, worry thoughts about the safety of my adult children, my mom’s health–they will die–  or gossipy/judgmental thoughts about my siblings/friends–they are wrong or I don’t want to be with them anymore, paranoid/suspicious thoughts about my partner–I want out of this union/I don’t trust him or his intensions. Will not elaborate more here but I have written about this is other blog posts, see within my timeline, and will investigate these further in blogs to come.

Finally, extreme thinking comes out as fear of death /disease, like every little ache or pain or bump means I have cancer and I’m going to die. As I have blogged about his extensively in the past and will again, I will not go into more detail here.

In Cathy Krafft’s blog post today, she examines this point-the fear of death- brilliantly and comes to some very cool realizations! I highly recommend reading this post.   An excerpt:  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in shame and fear within the need to have or be with someone / in a relationship in order to confirm the definition I have of who I am.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself into and with a relationship with my mind.

The point within ‘all or nothing’ thinking I have realized is what a waste of time it is, as I always, eventually, calm down and pick up where I left off  BUT there is only so much time in a day and within a lifetime so why waste it on reactions, when you already know the outcome. It is round and round, up and down when all one requires is to examine the point of the extreme thought/s in self-honesty-so face yourself- and then learn to direct yourself so as to produce an outcome that is best for you in your life and best for all.

I /you can only do anything breath by breath-point by point- using energy in the form of so rushing/panicking -is self-sabotaging. thinking/believing there is not enough time or ‘I can’t’ is just that –thoughts. The thoughts themselves are not reality, you here is the only reality there is and when one slows down and moves with breath, much is possible and you will find -as you prioritize and commit to a daily schedule YOU CAN. There is no higher power outside of you that is going to heal you, your alcoholism or your thinking/paranoia.  The solution to ‘all or nothing’ thinking is YOU!   But as I mentioned, this is a process that takes time and requires patience and dedication.  There is much support for this within the Desteni I Process Course and FREE DIP LITE , course.

To understand paranoia, the context of how it is being defined and discussed within these blogs, and the  Mind in its relationship to THOUGHT   Read Creation’s Journey to Life Blogs – introducing/outlining the context for/as Paranoia in relation to Consciousness: DAY 395, DAY 396, DAY 397, DAY 398, DAY 399, DAY 400

DIP Lite Banner-01Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s