Day 162: Good Grief! Letting Go of the Dedicated Daughter

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASadly, my mom passed away last Saturday.  It has been difficult. I don’t quite know where to start. I did not want to say goodbye to my mom, I did not want to let go. I have not been someone who has expressed their feelings, self-honestly in the moment, throughout my life.  However, through all I have learned within DIP I was able to cry alot during the last  week. I can see now, how assisting this is  in releasing the energies.  I did face some sadness, around the inevitability of losing my mom, a few months back through blogging:

Day 113:  Sad about my Mom                                                  

Day 114:  Sad about my Mom 2                                             

So I won’t look at that point again today but I will instead face the WHY of the sadness. My mom was 86 years old so it was not a big shock/surprise to me when she died.  Strangely, it did not seem to matter. I quite simply felt crushed, like I had been hit by a truck or like there was a heavy black cloud over my head, weighing me down and making me extremely fatigued (once all the busyness of clearing out her home and funeral were over).

I was concerned and confused. Why am I so devastated?  Obviously, grieving is a process and I realize it had only been a week.  Also, obviously, my mom was a very cool human being and I will miss her company very much!  But even understanding these 2 points I was having trouble with the severity of my reaction to her passing.

So yesterday I purchased an Eqafe product, Understanding Sadness: 

I highly suggest anyone experiencing grief to have a listen, it assisted and supported me greatly to a place of some understanding.  It is the first in a series that will follow.  This blog, ‘good grief’,  will be one of several over the next months, as well.

Ever since my dad crossed over, 7 years ago, I have been a very consistent and attentive to my mom.  Although a bit of a burden at times, 1.5/ 2 hour drive one way, mostly I enjoyed it as she was easy and fun to be around.  So every second Sunday, often with my brother, we would without fail visit  her for the afternoon and evening.  If she was ill or in the hospital, I would see her once or twice a week, indeed during the last 6/7 m would visit weekly at least.  If I was not visiting I was thinking of it, planning the visit-what would we do, phoning her, thinking of phoning her, doing a chore/investigating a drug or nursing home/picking something up at a store/worrying/anticipating/etc. about my mom.   I was a very ‘dedicated, loving daughter’.

It is this personality/character, the dedicated daughter, that I am de-constructing in this blog.

What I learned/realized, from the Atlantean interview on Sadness, was I have built up energies in relation/relationship to my mom throughout my entire life, in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions, which are stored/layered in the physical body. These energies can be of a positive or negative nature, it does not matter.  What happens is, when someone passes, they all come rushing to the surface, like a flood/an overflowing, often having an overwhelming effect and then- in my case- a tiredness or depressing effect.

So when you have a close (or intimate) relationship with someone in your life, there is always present fear of loss.  This fear begins/is formed simultaneously when the intense bond/love feeling begins-as polarities within the mind, the ever present fear ‘this person makes me feel good, don’t let it be taken away, I cannot live without this person/feeling!’

All of this is in fact unnecessary!  We do not need to carry around these energies of fear of loss/anxiety/excitement/anticipation/anger/love, or whatever they may be.  All we require to do is to enjoy their company when we are with them, participate, assist and support them, respect and love them. In other words, all we require as human beings is to act in the physical, to be that expression of love towards them when we are with them and then, when we are not with them, to again act/plan/do/call/write whatever in the physical and not in the mind of energies. This is a true devotion of love and respect for them and for yourself as you are not participating within the mind-generating energies that build up over time as/within you, that   can harm you. So we do not need imaginings/emotions of worry and fear/opinions/pictures as memories in our mind/fantasies about the future with this person–as none of this mind participation with the loved one actually changes anything in reality! — but just down to earth physical interaction.

I have also built a large part of my identity in relationship to/associated with my mom. So MUCH OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS, IS ME HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS , with thoughts like, ‘I’ll pick that up for mom and give it to her Sunday, oh yeah, no I won’t, mom’s gone, what will I do on Sundays? Who am I now, without her? Who wants to spend time with me? My mom is someone who loved me unconditionally. No one else does.’   Pretty self-centered really, there are many other thoughts, however I am focusing on this to really tackle it.

I am actually grieving/mourning the loss of my mom and that part of me I associated with her, the loss of the dedicated/loving daughter, both!

My mom and I had so much fun over the years, we all got closer after my dad passed on, with my other sibling and children or just the two of us, we would go to many shows, symphonies, out for walks and a bite to eat, watch golf or some sport on tv-lol, do shopping chores together, go to dinner at my sisters, it was often relaxing AND I FELT USEFUL, LIKE I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING AFTER BEING AN ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC FOR SO MANY YEARS PRIOR.

So, I will look at this personality within the thought:     I have to call/go see my mom. She needs me!

To Continue


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2 thoughts on “Day 162: Good Grief! Letting Go of the Dedicated Daughter

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