Day 164: Good Grief! Releasing the Sad, Dutiful Daughter 3

self-forgiveness-only-option1Please read Day 162 and Day 163 of this blog post for context.

PROBLEM:   HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF

From the previous post:  I did not want to say goodbye to my mom, I did not want to let go…What I learned/realized, from the Atlantean interview on Sadness, was I have built up energies in relation/relationship to my mom throughout my entire life, in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions, which are stored/layered in the physical body. These energies can be of a positive or negative nature, it does not matter.  What happens is, when someone passes, they all come rushing to the surface, like a flood/an overflowing, often having an overwhelming effect and then- in my case- a tiredness or depressing effect.

Thought:     I have to go see my mom. She needs me!

Continuing

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in inner conversation/backchat around this thought of my mother needing me like:  why didn’t they call me that last night so I could have come to her side, damn, why didn’t I go the Sunday before she died, I could have cancelled my daughter’s visit, she needed me, how could I be so selfish, but then she sounded ok later and said for me not to come, I should have known, she sounded so sad and needy, I hope she was not in pain, they should have given her more morphine, what dolts they kept saying/asking if she was allergic to morphine when she was not and then they didn’t change their records! I don’t trust that doctor, she said my mom would die a month before and wanted to stop all treatment, I wonder if she gave her any anti-biotics like she needed, I don’t like that doctor, I told the doctor to call me and she did not!  Why didn’t she call me….I should have held her more, I should have been more physical with her, I should have talked to her about death more, I should have somehow got internet access so she could listen to the desteni videos I had in a file for her (I tried but no access in her building), I should have comforted her more, I should have taken her to more concerts in her last year, I shouldn’t have told her I didn’t want to go to as many last year  (we went to plenty over the last 5 years, lol, and if there was no one to go with she went in a cab on her own, walker and all, even in the dead of winter !).

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the emotions of:  guilt , sadness, remorse, regret, anger, blame of another, self-blame, shame, worry/anxiety/stress and the feelings of:   love, respect, devotion, specialness with regards to all of  the above inner conversation thoughts & specifically the main thought within all of this,  ‘I have to go see my mom. She needs me!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in changes within my human physical body, by engaging in memories/pictures/moving images within my mind and caring around the past within the emotions of worrying about my mom, feeling guilty about my mom (and dad), shame about my drinking and mistakes (needing to borrow money) and thus I built up layers of energies, so when my mom past I felt shock/stunned as they all rushed to the surface for me to face. Then I was compelled to keep moving (cleaning my house and then her house, lol) because I did not want to stop and feel/face all these emotions and feelings.  After many tears, over a weeks period,  my body then felt extremely heavy, weighed down, exhausted but I could not sleep well or much ( 2 or 3 hours a night for about 10 days).

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequence around the character of the ‘dedicated/dutiful daughter’, some being:  I am existing within limitation-seeing myself/defining myself as a personality, believing in that personality-and thus not being present in this here moment so I am not effectively directing myself/engaging in life here but always lost in my mind of memories/voices in the head = illusion. I am experiencing myself as less than, like a piece of me is gone/dead now that my mom is gone, I am allowing myself to fear feeling sadness again and thinking ‘I should be done with that, I don’t want to feel more sadness’, I am feeling a little lost/unsure of how to spend this extra time I have without mom here.

To continue with THE SOLUTION (walking the talk!) Commitment Statements and Self-Corrective Application

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