Day 165: Good Grief! Living the Change: The Sad, Dutiful Daughter 4

Lol, this looks so much like my mom when she was younger!
Lol, this looks so much like my mom when she was younger!

Please read Day 162- 164 of this blog post for context.

PROBLEM:   HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF

From the previous post:  I did not want to say goodbye to my mom, I did not want to let go…What I learned/realized, from the Atlantean interview on Sadness, was I have built up energies in relation/relationship to my mom throughout my entire life, in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions, which are stored/layered in the physical body. These energies can be of a positive or negative nature, it does not matter.  What happens is, when someone passes, they all come rushing to the surface, like a flood/an overflowing, often having an overwhelming effect and then- in my case- a tiredness or depressing effect.

Thought:     I have to go see my mom. She needs me!

SOLUTION:  WALKING THE CHANGE IN EACH MOMENT 

Living the Change/Release:  For each self forgiveness statement , I have written a Commitment Statement  which includes within it, as Self Corrective Application Statement, meaning as /when this/these thoughts arise-and they will- I am prepared (prevention is the best cure!) to walk in each moment of breath, the change, so no longer directed by the past, as memories of thoughts/feelings/emotions but here as life!  This in no way ‘deletes’ or minimizes my mom or how I feel about her, on the contrary it honors her as one and equal as life/part of all of existence, as within so without, as above so below!

When and as I see myself  being directed by the want/desire to be needed and living out this character, the sad/dutiful daughter,  in my mind within memories/thoughts that my mother somehow still needs my help and /or no longer needs me I stop, I breathe and bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical. I now realize it is my own identity crisis I am facing and a relationship I have built in my own  mind of ‘who I am’ but I am not this, I am life here. I carry on with my day and the task at hand.

When and as I see myself going into fear within the root of this thought, I stop and bring myself back to physical reality with breath, as I now understand  I do not require to participate within such energies as I realize my mom faced her death process in whatever way she needed to, it is over and she has moved on and is in her own process of facing herself in oneness and equality with all of existence. I also realize my life has changed and so it will take time to know how I wish to spend the time I used to spend with her, I require to focus on my own process, of birthing myself as life in the physical, so I  become a fully responsible being here and am thus able to assist and support another within their processes.

When and as I see myself falling into the mind trap of imaginings, with moving pictures, I immediately stop and pull myself back to earth, to stability with breath.  I now realize, it is quite useless to participate in such imaginings as it does not change the past, I don’t actually know what my mom was experiencing during her death process, my sister was with her the night she died so she was not alone, the doctor did all she could, I will miss my mom but I cannot change the fact that she is no longer here, in the physical, I realize she is a inter-dimentional/dimentional being now and perhaps I will be with her/speak with her again sometime. I focus on the task at hand and commit to change me!

When and as I see myself participating/engaging in inner chatter/backchat around this thought, I commit myself to stop and breathe and bring myself back to living fully physically, as I now understand how talking inside my head just leads me down the rabbit hole of thoughts going round and round, bringing up emotions of fear/guilt/regret that are harmful to the physical body and NOTHING IS CHANGED. THERE IS NO RESOLUTION ONLY CONSEQUENCE, as the energies eat away at the flesh and diminish the body over time.  I refuse to limit myself to the past and sabotage myself by playing out the sad/dedicated daughter character. I focus on what is before me and move!

When and as I see myself being directed/controlled by emotions from past experience/memories, in and around this thought/thought pattern, I stop and use breath to stabilize myself.  I no longer allow myself to conjure up emotion through participation in memories but DO ALLOW MYSELF TO RELEASE SADNESS THROUGH THE PHYSICAL ACT OF CRYING IN SELF-HONESTY IN THE MOMENT AS IT ARISES, so no contemplating the past  ‘I should have…Why…’ and then allowing emotions to overtake/possess me. I commit to change me.

When and as I see myself having gone so far with this thought, completely embodying the ‘sad/dedicated daughter’,  that I have created consequence in my physical body of heaviness/depression, &  beLIEving I am  lost without my mom,  like part of me is gone, I remind myself ‘NO, NOT PARTICIPATING’ and bring my awareness out of my mind and back to reality, to what is here before me in the physical, with breath.  I now realize it is no longer acceptable to me to limit myself to the past, as a personality with a script and predictable part to play, I understand I cannot effectively direct myself here when I am lost in my mind, that is what ‘being lost‘ is and I will not accept this within myself any longer. I commit to change me.

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