Day 170: The Paranoid Alcoholic: I Drink because of YOU! Blame

heaven or hellI Drink because of YOU!

When I say ‘you’ I mean people, situations, institutions, systems, everything and anything that isn’t…me.  The alcoholic never considers turning the accusing finger of blame toward the one person who could really help him, being himself!

Alcoholism is perplexing and devastating to watch. It is hell on earth to experience.

Just a few days ago, I found out a woman I used to sponsor was found dead in her apartment and that she had been there for 2 weeks.  So tragic but not surprising as you lose everything, eventually, when you are a drunk, so no one called, check in on her or missed her for quite awhile.  Don’t misunderstand me, I am not judging or criticizing her, I was very fond of her and cared/tried best I could to assist her. She had so much potential as a human being, so many reasons to stay sober but she could not take responsibility and she used blame as the reason to not do the inner work required-12 steps of recovery in AA-if you want to keep/maintain your sobriety.

I too, was exactly like that and could not put the plug in the jug for good, until I took 100% responsibility for all that occurred.

The alcoholic is the very definition of paranoia.  a mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to the supposed hostility of others…baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.

Interestingly, I did not even realize I was blaming others for my downward spiral deeper into the cunning bottle of lies. I somewhat did, but there was a helplessness and hopelessness within it all, like I could see no solution.  As well, after the pain of the hangover wears off and your reasoning/common sense just starts to creep back, there comes the overwhelming desire to drink again so everything stays quite fuzzy, unclear, there is no time to really gain any clarity/understanding of your true situation.  Fact becomes fiction and fiction becomes fact.

The alcoholic is constantly and continuously thinking, listening to the voices in the head.  Usually, this would be in the hours of sobriety between drunks, thus the bottle becomes the medicine needed for some peace of mind, to turn off the never ending torture in the mind.  As it is a progressive dis-ease, the inner chatter becomes worse as the years go on, it becomes more vile, paranoid, fearful, self-pitying.

So many alcoholics are concerned about going into treatment or to a support group because they don’t want anyone to know they have a drinking problem, lol, when everyone knows all too well.  They had left reality behind, preferring the illusionary bubble of the bottle.

I blamed my parents, my ex-husband and ex-in-laws, the music industry, the banks, the rich, the stock market, being a single mom, a broken heart,  the institution of marriage, organized religion,  men in general, and much more. I was increasingly consumed with sadness, regret, and anger.

I’ve been sober for 9 years now but still recall some of the paranoid thought patterns:

I can’t believe they won’t give me the apartment. It’s because I’m a single mom. F them. Next time I’ll lie (I did, I had my brother pretend he was my husband). X (ex-husband) really screwed me over. I have nothing and no power. I hate this , I hate being poor. I hate my life. I can’t hate my life. I have to be positive… Everyone is going away with their children and I ‘m alone (kids with father for weekend). I do all the hard work and then he gets to have the fun taking them to the cottage. Not my cottage anymore. I’m the reject. Drink. Yes, a drink will make me feel better. A bottle of wine will make me feel great!  What a relief, thank god I have that. I have a few dollars so I can afford that. Yes, life is not so bad, you must be grateful, I think I’ll go get that bottle now.  This is going to be fun. …

They all think they’re better than me. I’ll show them. I’ll write a hit song.  But it costs so much money to produce and take any steps in music.  The music industry is so unfair. That producer doesn’t think I’m good enough. He shouldn’t charge me to produce the song. We co-wrote it for god sake. If he would help me I would succeed. Typical man. A drink. I can go to the liquor store on the way home. I feel better already. Thank God!  It’s not so bad. I understand his position. I can’t wait to drink tonight…

The bloody banks! How are you suppose to qualify for a mortgage if they punish you for what happened years ago. I wouldn’t have so much debt if they didn’t give me credit cards like candy. Now I am screwed.  Why don’t they let me use the income I make/receive just because I don’t have a T4 (verification in Canada of income). If they would let me use apartment rental income I would qualify for the mortgage and I could buy this house, I know I could get tenants (I did get a home eventually and had tenants for many years! But again, had to lie to get approved). It’s so unfair, its not my fault. If my dad had not been verbally abusive and a drinker, I wouldn’t have chosen the man I married, I would be happy now and have money and stability for my children. I hate my life. Drink. I’ll just go to the liquor store and I won’t drink too much tonight. The kids are not home so it’s ok. I’m not hurting anyone. I feel so much better, I’m so excited to drink. I can’t wait. Life is actually quite good. I won’t complain anymore.’

So, the pattern is one of blame then justification, believing ‘they have done me wrong so I am right to blame them’.  This is the negative energy experience and then comes the desperation to escape the emotions this negative energy experience brings on –  therefore, I would switch over to the polarity thought pattern -fulfilling my desire for a positive energy experience- thus deciding to drink (lets be clear, when I say ‘to drink’ I mean get drunk, it was usually 2 trips to the liquor store or going to a bar alone later in the evening, if you are an alcoholic, you know what I am talking about).  Totally selfish, self-interested, mind possessed decision making. I was living in complete illusion within the mind of the past, beLIEving that ‘everything will be fine, god has a grand plan for me.’

Then, the next morning, as every good alcoholic knows, the thought patterns are filled with immense regret, guilt, fear.

To continue:   With applying self-forgiveness and corrective statements-as the solution to move from blame to self-responsibility– within the thought, ‘I drink because of YOU!’

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE


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