I just got back from vacation for the last 2 weeks, in which we spent 9 days with my mother-in-law (she is 88 years old). We were on Vancouver Island, British Columbia, which was just awesome, truly breathtaking at every curve!
The ocean, the lakes, the mountains, the rainforests, the sea life, the wildlife, the beaches. What can I say but wow! Enjoyed taking lots of photos on my phone, lol. Thank you mother earth.
My mother-in-law can be challenging to be with. My own mother died June 8, just over a month ago, so I am definitely still grieving this loss. The two are/were very different women, so to say I am not ‘used to’ a ‘mother figure’ being like this woman. Nevertheless, I did feel an increased sense of wanting to ‘protect’/take care of my mother-in-law on this visit and sadness at her difficulties due to aging and finding herself alone (alone= all one).
My father-in-law passed away in January so the ‘vacation’ was really to support/assist/provide company for my mother-in-law and we definitely did! She also chose a new home/assisted living residence while we were there, so mission accomplished.
I am actually grateful to her for showing me where I am at in my process (Desteni I Process Pro). I have changed, I am (as well as in situations with my children and husband) much less reactive with her/to her! Not perfect though, as I will explain.
My mother-in-law tends to -as my husband put it- find a person’s weakness and then pounce/attack when you least expect it. This is amplified, but not limited to, when she drinks alcohol. Fortunately, I do understand alcoholism/heavy drinkers as I experienced it first hand (walked in many previous blogs-see timeline) and my father, interestingly enough, had the same- I will call it- a viciousness and there is definitely a spitefulness with this kind of abuser, like they need/want to hurt you.
There is a certain look in the eyes of /like ‘I’m gonna mess with your head now/I’m gonna get you now and you are my subordinate and can’t do a damn thing about it’ I also feel with this kind of abuser, it’s like they know who they can ‘get away with’ abusing, which I have always resented, seems extra evil/nasty to me. Like they know who to mess with and who to stay away from/who is the safe/weak ones to pick on.
I must say I am grateful eternally to Desteni for teaching me/assisting/supporting me unconditionally, throughout the last approximately 2.5 years, so I may understand myself and the other so as to STOP REACTIONS AND STOP JUDGEMENTS AND TO INSTEAD COME TO A PLACE OF UNDERSTANDING the other and myself, so I can stand up within stability and respond (or to stay silent if I am not absolutely stable/calm) with clarity/understanding and not just a vicious retort, so I do not feel like /act like/speak like a victim within these circumstances, so I do not victimize myself by ‘fighting back’ and feel helpless/inferior to bullies, to give me the words-but more specifically- show me I needed to slow down and that I could learn a new way/process to respond in the way I can grow/create a new relationship with myself based on self-trust and self-respect because I AM TREATING ANOTHER AS I WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED-AND AS SUCH i AM RE-PARENTING MYSELF!
Without this, the visit would have gone very badly and possibly put my marriage in jeopardy.
Having said that, although I was able to not become possessed or react with defensiveness/counter attack during this visit, I found that as her abuse continued day after day, it did ‘get to me’ eventually. Not that I verbalized my reaction but I did suppress. Of course this is one of the reasons one does not live with/spend time abusers, it is harmful to oneself. Fortunately, we have a whole continent between us, lol.
I will specifically examine the thought, I’m sick and tired of putting up with her abuse’, by applying self-forgiveness and walking a self-corrective application. To continue in next post.