Day 172: Paranoid Alcoholic: How to Stop Reacting to Parents 2

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjMuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLXV3ZGpYQ05jamtFJTJGVWNiUWg3NE9xR0klMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJBZyUyRnN3RFA0bnFfcHlJJTJGczQwMCUyRjE1Nl8xNDc3MjkzMDM5MV8yNzcyX24uanBnPlease refer to the previous post for proper perspective to this blog.

From the previous post: ‘I just got back from vacation for the last 2 weeks,  in which we spent 9 days with my mother-in-law.  My mother-in-law tends to -as my husband put it- find a person’s weakness and then attack when you least expect it…I am grateful eternally to Desteni for assisting/supporting me, so I may understand myself and the other so as to STOP REACTIONS AND STOP JUDGEMENTS AND TO INSTEAD COME TO A PLACE OF UNDERSTANDING  …Having said that, although I was able to not become possessed or react with defensiveness during this visit, I found that as her abuse continued day after day, it did ‘get to me’ eventually. Not that I verbalized my reaction but I did suppress. Of course this is one of the reasons one does not live with/spend time abusers, as it is harmful to oneself.’

Thought:  ‘I’m sick and tired of putting up with her abuse.’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘the angry daughter-in-law’ and, as this character, think ‘I’m sick and tired of putting up with her abuse.’  Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress this thought and the subsequent emotions of anger/rage as the energies build up in my body, unexpressed, which leads to further emotions of rage that can come out unexpectedly in a future moment and harm myself and others. (I did discuss my inner reactions with my husband and expressed how I was experiencing myself -my frustration and bewilderment- and asked him to assist me to understand his mom, which he did-instead of me just spewing out my anger, as I had on my last visit 5 years previous-and this conversation was extremely, mutually supportive).

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within nasty backchat like, “I’m never coming out here to help her again. Doesn’t she even see all I am doing. I was up at 6 and cleaned the entire kitchen for god sake, what is she talking about. what a b. Just get through it, it could be the last time you see her. I dislike this woman. How dare she speak to me that way. Who does she think she is , just like my father, thank god we live so far apart, this is the last time I will put up with her, is she f**n kidding, why is she so mean, what did I do, why is she attacking me?’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to hold fear within me as the very foundation/starting point of this thought, as in the fear my husband would leave me and I would be alone, if I were to speak up and say something like, ‘I can not stay here any longer as I am being verbally abused’.  In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve I am not capable of standing up on my own and living alone again, for fear that I would be lonely and financially unable to sustain myself.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the emotions of:   anger, confusion, frustration, fear, worry, guilt, saddness in and around this thought, ‘I’m sick and tired of putting up with her abuse.’

It has been my experience, when I spend time with a person who is verbally abusive,that I become increasingly more paranoid, never know when the attack would happen, just as when I was a child and I was helpless to leave, I again felt somewhat helpless to leave as it is my husband’s mother and I did not want to upset him-put him in the middle kind of thing.  For the most part I was able to simply be present, breathe, and clarify a point with more information or ask her a question to see if I could understand her more etc.-without the reactions raging inside my physicals and inner chatter going on–WHICH IS QUITE A CHANGE AND MIRACLE FOR ME– but, like I mentioned in the previous post, as the days went on I became impatient with the situation/it built up. However, I was able to get back to a self-honest place (through the process of  excusing myself and applying self-forgiveness in private and then being aware of my breath in the moment when I returned to the room) of  caring/empathy/assistance without spite or vengeful emotions. I would not stay with her again, but I would visit and stay in a hotel. 

To Continue

Re-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected

Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development:
Phase I: 0-1 Years
Phase II: 1-3 Years
Phase III: 3-7 Years

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