Day 175: Witness Blog II: Evidence of Self-Change

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLUhOSTNzSXVWLWtBJTJGVVZKRDRFZG5HUEklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUEybyUyRnFQNFdreXZxME9zJTJGczMyMCUyRndyaXRlRnJlZWRvbS5qcGc=Please read the previous post Day 174, for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post:  So, I would like to share with you how my investigation and involvement with Desteni has changed me in a life altering way, a way no therapy, meditation, religion, spirituality, group ever has. During various periods of my life, I have spoken to and investigated several books, councilors, supposed professionals and although they were somewhat supportive, it just was sooooo slow and not effective in a lasting way, a mere band aid approach at best. I am not suggesting this process is quick and easy by any means, it is a daily dedication to writing and effort that has led to these self-changes.

Evidence of self-change:  with my partner

I have transcended specific points of reaction within my marriage. This does not suggest the automatic/programmed response never comes up in my mind, sometimes the thoughts come up but I am now able to ‘see’ the thoughts/be aware of the thoughts and so stop myself before I react/act upon them.  Specifically, within discussions of finance, our children & household chores, I am now able to use breath as a tool to bring my focus back to the physical, to my partner, as in the reality before me. Thus, I am able to focus on what he is actually saying to me-so I can hear him/understand where he is coming from- instead of only half listening because I am too busy defending myself, concerned/consumed with self-interest only, thinking about what I should say next. One result of this change is it is creating a closer bond and trust between us.  In fact, as my partner sees/witnesses my non-reaction and how I have often suggested-calmly-if he could ‘bring it down’ as in his volume within the communication, so that he is no longer reacting to the suggestion/change in me but responding in kind (like imitating my non-reaction/calmness) and we are able to resolve issues-talk them out to a mutually agreeable way, much more often, or decide calmly to leave the discussion to a later date!

Evidence of self-change:  within my relationship to my Mother-In-Law

I have been able to stop reactions ! 

I wrote about this in some detail within my Journey To Life blogging, in which I applied the tools suggested by Desteni, of breath, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. It has been this very process over the last 2 years that assisted me to have an enjoyable visit with my mother-in-law earlier this month. We lost both my father-in-law and my mother recently, so the last thing I wanted was tension between us on this visit.

This would not have been possible if I had not thoroughly investigated/researched the Desteni material and then applied it for myself.

During my first visit with my mother-in-law, 5 years ago, I had reacted strongly to her, in my secret mind, with anger, inferiority, fear, feeling insulted, and full of blame. I was also angry at my husband for defending her and understandably he felt ‘in the middle’.

 I have now been able to approach her from within the starting point of understanding versus judging /blaming her for my reactions.

Note: I was able to stand in stability within the points below several times during the 2 week stay, however eventually the situation ‘wore me down’ and I found myself suppressing reactions, which I was aware of, so I made a point of examining at a later time. So, becoming consistent within change is a process and not immediate perfection.

Points of Change

*I did not blame my mother-in-law for my emotional responses/ how I felt.

*I came to a place of genuine caring/compassion after the conversation.

*I would normally use memories of my father, connecting my past experience to the present experience and thus influencing/altering my response, making it more than it needs to be, so the past did not feed upon my insecurities from childhood. For the first 3 or 4 times, nothing came up, no picture/thoughts/memories in my mind from the past!

*I would have had a huge storm within my body like excitement/anxiety-like I had been attacked, so a fight or flight response of increased heart rate, holding my breath, tensing my muscles and jaw.  I was able to keep my body stable and stay with breath, so no change in my body.

*This would have caused arguments between my partner and I and it actually brought us closer together.

*I would have threatened to leave and stay in a hotel.

*I would have accused my partner of not ‘sticking up for me’ causing conflict between us.

*I would have felt a need to retaliate/get back at her/win as in say something back in a spiteful manner thus NOT treating her as I would want to be treated. I was able to stand as a person of integrity as I did not compromise myself in this regard.   

*I would have gone over the conversations, when I felt attacked by her, in my mind many times  demonizing her/saying she is evil, nasty etc. and so building/intensifying these emotions within me even more, which can lead to future altercations in which I say things I later regret and possibly hurt people I care about.

*I was able to respond calmly and clarify/add to a point or ask for clarity on a point from her, no way I would be able to do this in the past.

*I did not cause self-harm/self-sabotage in that my ego did not control me so I was able to see/stand back for a moment when my mind wanted me to think of my husband and his mom as a team against me/the enemy.

*I was able to  NOT TAKE WHAT SHE SAID PERSONALLY. So, self-honestly remind myself ‘this is coming from my mother-in-law, this is not you, it is not personal, your response is your responsibility, I cannot change her but I can stand as an example of what is best for all in this moment, instead of judging I can try and understand her ‘.  So I was able to separate what was being said/the conversation from myself but remember that she and I are one and equal. Not in perfection, there was some fear and doubt but not much.  This occurred 3/4 times, then as I mentioned, it became harder for me and I tended to stay silent.

*I asked my partner to please assist me with understanding her, instead of what I did the last visit and basically bitch about her, lay on all my anger about her, complain and blame. He took much time explaining/talking/informing me about his mom, not excusing her behavior but a history of her life, if you will. This assisted me greatly. I would have never been able to humble myself like that before, my ego would not let me let go of the blame or even have the words to ask him.

*I was able to leave with genuine caring/compassion/concern for her, more understanding and actually felt a little closer to her.  I did not have to fake or force any emotions or conversations to ‘please’ anyone so I did not feel resent.

So as you can see, these three years I have participated with Desteni has significantly improved my abilities to communicate and relate to other people, let alone get an expanded understanding of myself and for example how I became an alcoholic.

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