Day 178: Healing the Eyes: My Relationship to the Word ‘Courageous’

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRmltZzE5NC5pbWFnZXNoYWNrLnVzJTJGaW1nMTk0JTJGNDgwMCUyRmRvbm90YWZyYWlkdG9mYWlsLmpwZw==Healthy Functioning Unit:  In this post I am continuing my investigation into the relationship with my physical body, specifically the need for reading glasses.  I will be looking at the point of deconstructing the word ‘courageous’. Firstly, my accepted relationship and associations throughout my life, how I have lived this word.

Dictionary Definition:

Courageous:  possessing  the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear, bravery.

First the fear point:

Face something without fear. Hmmm. Well, I would say I have much less fear now after investigating Desteni and working with the suggested tools daily, for the last 3 years. Don’t get me wrong, me and fear still have quite a close relationship.

I would say I have been both courageous and cowardice throughout different times in my life. I was very fearful of my father, as a child. I lived in almost a constant state of fear, never knowing what his mood would be when he got home and what we (my mom and siblings) would have to face that night.  When he used alcohol, which was often, it was worse, he could become very verbally abusive but this could occur even if he was sober. Then other times, he was very pleasant and warm, so I never knew who I would be facing and felt constantly ‘on guard’ and fearful of being verbally attacked/assaulted. I figured if I was quiet and ‘out of the way’/invisible , I would be a less likely target, someone else would ‘get it’ and this was true, although I always felt terrible listening to him yelling at/tormenting my siblings, if I managed to stay out of ‘the line of fire’.

As a young adult and into my 30’s, I was not able to face the fear of being alone. I was not able to face a ‘broken heart’ within romantic breakups two times, in which second time led to obsession, then mental illness, then spiraled into alcoholism.  Alcoholism is quite the opposite of courage, indeed it is the daily decision to turn away from self-responsibility. I did that for ten years. However, I did face fear head on when I had trouble with my mind.  I thought about suicide but decided I could not leave my children with such a legacy because I knew this behavior is often ‘copied’ by family members.

But when my mind was torturing me extensively, and I did not understand what was going on, I made the decision to say ‘F*** it, I will not be afraid, no matter what happens’.  Interestingly enough, nothing happened and so I learned the mind is but a mere boogeyman, not real at all, and my terror lessened.  I was also courageous when I made the decision to give up alcohol for good, as I had a physical and mental dependency and did not want to give it up, nor knew how to face life without it.  Again, a good lesson, as after a few weeks it was relatively ‘easy’.

So, when looking at this point of being courageous I will remember these lessons. To face something without fear, take on a task that has not been taken on before, whether by myself or anyone else, I will remind myself that something is only ‘fearful’ in the mind of thoughts and imaginings. The fear itself is not a real physical thing and so I am afraid of no- thing!  Also, something seems fearful before one jumps in and begins it but when movement starts, real physical moving/doing, when you are starting to perform the dreaded task, suddenly you are out of your mind of emotions/thoughts/images and facing this new thing in real time and the fear dissipates.

Also I have learned not to rush, rushing produces fear because you are  not moving breath by breath but are moving and thinking/in your mind at the same time. If one simply moves with breath awareness (I am using a 4 count breath most of the day now-4 counts in-4 counts between-4 counts out breath) so I am focused on this and the task before me and not in my mind, THEN I AM DOING THE TASK STEP BY STEP/MOVING WITH THE PHYSICAL /BREATH BY BREATH.  This reduces fear/hesitancy/self-doubt/tiredness extensively.  You will also find you get more accomplished versus rushing.

Back to the word ‘Courageous’  What is my relationship to /with this word? What are my associations?

abused girl

to continue in the next post

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Equal Life Foundation

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