From the last post: Dictionary Definition: Courageous: ‘possessing the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear, bravery’ … So, when looking at this point of being courageous I will remember these lessons. To face something without fear, take on a task that has not been taken on before, whether by myself or anyone else, I will remind myself that something is only ‘fearful’ in the mind of thoughts and imaginings. The fear itself is not a real physical thing and so I am afraid of no- thing!
What is my relationship to /with this word ‘Courageous’? How have I lived this word? What are my associations?
My relationship to the word ‘courageous’ has been one of polarity. Like I was playing the role of the quiet/introvert then I would switch to the loud/ballsy/extrovert, as I thought was required of me in different situations. However, as the extrovert, the energy would fade and I would always run out of steam. It exhausted me, as it felt like a performance, not natural at all. Within my career in sales (I was quite successful) and again in songwriting and performing, I used this ballsy character more than a true act of courage. During the years that I was drinking alcoholically, I thought I was courageous when making large purchase decisions-like buying a house on my own or pursuing songwriting and performing but it was often only ‘liquid courage’. I sometimes would then get morose and bully people, as I saw my father do.
My main association with ‘courageous’ , what immediately ‘comes to mind’, is a young, big, strong/muscular man, a super-hero type figure, battling lions and bears and monsters, lol. He is courageous! Me? I’m just little Sandy, small/short, quiet/shy/inhibited, average in intelligence, average in talent, just plain average at everything. Sure, I would put on my ‘courageous hat’ now and then and try something new and if I failed I would accept it and assume, ‘that is just not me, I do not stand out (ego/self-interest) or excel at anything but always stay unnoticed within the middle of the pack’. That is quite a conveniently comfortable place to be, so I don’t have to be courageous at all! I never have to push myself to learn something new or try to hard to change/grow/expand because ‘well, that’s just not me, I’m average’.
Thus, my relationship with ‘courageous’ is I am not courageous because I don’t need to be courageous. I am resigned and comfortable in my box which is labelled ‘she tries hard but is not a winner. average. she’s a nice lady’. Lol, better than what I used to imagine on my tombstone; ‘Sandy Who?’ as my first husband was so gregarious, I was but a mere wallflower.
This is no longer acceptable to me. Looking at my own words above, this stood out, “..if I was quiet and ‘out of the way’/invisible , I would be a less likely target, someone else would ‘get it’..” I require to be courageous so to no longer abdicate my responsibility to change myself first and then support others within self-change. Thus, eventually, change the world to a place that has a foundation of true equality, as what is best for all. If I do not do this, how can I expect it to be accomplished? As I am a part of the whole unit/life called earth, there cannot be any justification of failure of any part, as this effects the whole. Obviously, this is a process and there is no guarantee of how it will unfold, so I commit to being patient with myself and this process until it is done.
It is no longer acceptable to me to cower in fear, not stand and move in each moment-living the word courageous. It makes no difference if anyone else has done a task/investigated a point that I am undertaking or not. I can see that everything is connected, I can see that I have used fear as a convenient ‘out’/excuse to not stand and move myself toward self-change.
I will continue with this point, applying self-forgiveness and writing a self-corrective statements, and then re-define the word ‘courageous’, in the post to follow.
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