Day 180: Courageous-How do you Live this Word?

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjEuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLWdzLU10WDdNdndvJTJGVVpmWl9qQVd1WkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUI0YyUyRmdrU0poUFo2OTNrJTJGczMyMCUyRmdsb2JhbF9oZWFsdGhob21lMS5wbmc=From the previous post: “…’I do not stand out (this thought is an ego/self-interest point) or excel at anything but always stay unnoticed within the middle of the pack’.  That is quite a conveniently comfortable place to be, so I don’t have to be courageous at all!  I never have to push myself to learn something new -to the point of perfection/excellence-or try too hard to change/grow/expand because ‘well, that’s just not me, I’m average’. Thus, my relationship with ‘courageous’ is I am not courageous because I don’t need to be courageous.  I am resigned and comfortable in my box which is labelled ‘she tries hard but is not a winner. average. she’s a nice lady’.  Lol”

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived this word/formed a relationship to the word ‘courageous’ that is based on abdicating my responsibility as life, meaning I have allowed fear to be the directive principal of me here, instead of moving myself in a practical way to bring about self-change -within and then moving as part of the whole-without to create a new world order based on what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve I do not have to be courageous because I do not have to do anything in this life/stand up and bring about change/equality for all as me, or complete any task to a point of perfection /excellence because it does not fit my definition of myself as ‘average’ and /or ‘I’m not good enough’. Thus living as a mind character and not really life at all because to be life is to move here with breath and I allowed myself to live from the starting point of the past, with memories and opinions/judgements of myself, others and the world systems (banking /money system, educational system, government systems, etc.).

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that I do not have to be courageous because ‘someone else will do it’, meaning someone else will solve the problems of this world, or someone else will ‘boldly go forth’ to discover/learn/invent/create whether it be biology (as in the eyes-the point I am addressing in my HFU-healthy functioning unit- blogs), physics, education, economics, government, etc.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived this word, defining it within the polarities of courageous and cowardice and thus; superior/inferior, introvert/extrovert, man/woman, success/failure.  Furthermore, associating courageous with physical strength that dominates, like a super hero saving many people from a monster/ ‘bad guy’ or with success, like a famous musician/singer who performs in front to thousands of people and ‘moves them’ with their music.  In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think these people were courageous and ‘winners’/superior and I was a failure/inferior, thus comparing myself to them, forgetting we are all individual but not separate.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the past as memories, from my childhood, within me and thus continue hiding into my adulthood, conveniently blaming others/judging myself and others/putting myself and others in boxes and thus justifying a situation/ limiting myself and others. when it was suppression, self-imposed created limitation , self-sabotage, timelooping over and over not allowing myself/gifting myself the opportunity to be or to live as the word ‘courageous’-to grow/expand/become more versus diminish/give up/ ASS-U-ME something is ‘ridiculous’ or impossible just because it has not be tried before/done before. 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/live like it is /was ‘safe’ to hide versus be ‘exposed’ in total self-interest, allowing another to be harmed as long it is not me or my family or allowing another to be ‘special’/gifted and hiding in apparent ‘safety’ because I was just average.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is safe to hide behind alcohol and use blame as a justification, so not stand but cower in a small room (as I learned to do as a child, listening to my dad yelling at my  siblings) alone (=all one) isolated and medicate my fear away, beLIEving the feeling that came which was only ‘liquid courage’ to be the real thing…but alcohol only brought out a character of ‘I am an extrovert’ or I became a bully with a air of superiority/bossy attitude and this was not real power as it only hid the fear behind the bottle, in moments of ‘strength’ where I would feel ‘good enough’ or ‘better than’ another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to to connect the following memories to the word courageous:  when I was about 6 years old and my ‘best friend’ telling me ‘Sandy, I am ashamed of you’ after I told her I would no longer perform/sing in front of our parents, carrying the shame/embarrassment/fear of not wanting to sing-by myself- out loud for anyone from the age of 6 to about 33, of my smiling father sitting in the large couch of our living room watching me perform when I was young, of not wanting to sing at a Christmas party with one other woman and experiencing shame,  of years of self-sabotage and self-depreciating inner talk/backchat when I was performing/recording telling myself I was not good enough/I was at best ‘average’/I sucked/I was a failure, indeed feeling shame /embarrassment/disappointment after performing.

To continue with Self-Corrective Statements as the solution to be walked in each breath.

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