I can see, from my deconstruction process, I have assigned a limited definition to the word courageous, I have formed relationships, with pictures attached, based on memories to this word; from tv shows/movies/experiences. I have created associations of emotions to this word like jealousy, fear, inferiority, and feelings of admiration and love. It brings up images of acts of ‘heroism’ and super human strength, it brings up ideas like success based on money, ‘he was so courageous to start that company that made millions’.
Furthermore, I have lived this word with a negative charge, almost like ‘oh god, I gotta act courageous for this person so they approve of me/like me/give me this or that’–because I beLIEve I am not courageous in fact. I can also see that I have lived ‘courageous’ within polarities, especially with success and failure, which actually has a lot more to do with how much money/opportunity one has, than moving oneself courageously. When I thought I was being courageous I was often just trying hard but not living it in fact. I see-sawed from playing a role of sales woman and winning all sorts of awards, feeding my ego, bring up feelings of elation/success like, ‘oh yes, winning that took a lot of guts to even try, yes I am courageous’ to acting cowardice-giving into fear- and being plagued by self-doubt/self-sabotage/self-deprecation within songwriting and performing, like ‘I was not courageous enough/others had more courage than me’. I moved myself as a character, when I was a single mom, using alcohol, thinking ‘if this is what it takes to get this done, so be it’ and thinking that was courage (note: I did not drink excessively in front of my children and have not drank alcohol for 9 years now).
Dictionary Definition: dictionary.com
Courageous: ‘possessing the quality and acting in a manner of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear, bravery’
My Definition: Trying really, really, hard, even using alcohol ‘liquid courage’ to ‘just get through’ something/perform a task, running on energy/emotion. A character/personality suit I would put on now and then of ‘now I gotta be this /do this‘ out of fear of losing out on something or someone.
It is an energetic experience one goes into when you want to direct yourself in situations however one beliefs one is not capable in doing so.
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