Day 185: Reaction: What Did I Miss? How Can I Improve within Self-Change?

couple_arguing (1)PROBLEM:  Although I have de-constucted this point before, reacting to my husband, I am not yet walking it /living it absolutely, and it occurred again, as change in itself is a process.

Yesterday my husband and I were having a discussion about money. Unfortunately, this is because of 2 of our elderly parents dying. The subject is so loaded because of all the connections to memories and subsequent feelings they bring up.

I went into the ‘I’m going to leave my husband ‘ character within my reactions and the conversation/argument.
I do see that I have changed as I was able to stay with breath and calm for awhile but as the conversation unfolded, and did not go the way I wanted, I ‘lost it’.
It is complicated because we both have children from a previous relationship. I have a son and a daughter and my husband has a daughter.
I definitely see how I jump very quickly into a personality of giving up/scew it/panic, as it is a quick fix and gives me temporary yet immediate relief as ‘leaving this marriage is the solution, there it is done, no need to continue this painful dialogue’.  Then I go into self-righteousness,  where I blame him for the argument and I give myself a positive energy experience of ‘I am the bigger person/I’m right’ so I feel ‘better’ .
ten-year-study-there-are-no-psychic-people-L-9pqsIRHe told me today I said, ” I wouldn’t have married you if I knew you were such a cheap prick”. I DO NOT EVEN REMEMBER SAYING THAT (very vague/fuzzy memory of it,so I do believe it is what occurred). Thus, I became so completely possessed within the energy of anger and fear I do not even remember saying it !
I apologized and told him that was abusive of me and is unacceptable. He said he was ‘hurt’ and that he has always shared everything, which is true.
Thank god I no longer drink because there were times I had a vicious tongue with others (mostly after several alcoholic drinks) in the past.
I can see, from reading yesterday’s  ‘Creations Journey To Life’ blog   and listening to the Reptilian Interviews on Self Doubt and Change , I require to slow down and examine this point more thoroughly to ensure I am not just writing for a release (real ease) but effecting REAL CHANGE within myself.  I require to change my nature and my preprogramming, so to look at this point again and find out what I missed!  I also require to be patient but diligent so to ‘leave no stone unturned’ as this behavior is still a pattern within me.  I require to transform that which is within me as my memories/thoughts/personality, being the past as my history = his story/ her story.
At first, I noticed was aware of my non-reaction, I even thought, ‘I am not going to react, this is cool, I am calm…let him react, I’m not going to’
Ah, there is some nasty backchat, so I was judging him as ‘flying off the handle’ and myself as  ‘the calm, sensible one’ making the two of us characters in my mind instead of just staying with reality-2 people in the kitchen having a discussion.
Then, as the conversation continued I felt some fear-that I expressed as anger-from the past-as memory experienceswhere I fear being ‘poor’ (not really poor/but having very little money) again. I compared the moment to the past and I compared my husband to my ex-husband  and ass-u-me he will ‘screw me out of money just like my ex did’ but he is in fact NOT my ex-husband and I was lost in my mind of the past.  Thus I could not see clearly and so I sabotaged myself in that moment to go in circles, forever re-creating the past as I  put my marriage in jeopardy by hurling out verbal abuse.  But why?!  I lost my awareness of my body, I was not aware of my breath, in fact my body was probably tensing up and I often hold my breath when I am emotional (with fear/anger).
To continue with THE SOLUTION in the next post

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