Day 186: I Still Reacted To my Husband: What did I miss? The Solution 2

allisfulloflove-For proper context to this blog please read Day 185: from the previous post:
At first, I noticed was aware of my non-reaction, I even thought, ‘I am not going to react, this is cool, I am calm…let him react, he get’s so crazy, I’m not going to’
Ah, there is some nasty backchat, so I was judging him as ‘flying off the handle’ and myself as  ‘the calm, sensible one’ making the two of us characters in my mind instead of just staying with reality-2 people in the kitchen having a discussion.
Then, as the conversation continued I suddenly felt fear-as extreme anxiety and I expressed that fear as anger-from the past-as memory experiences-where I fear being ‘poor’ (not really poor/but having very little money and lots of struggle) again, where I fear being lied to and cheated on . I compared the moment to the past and I compared my husband to someone from my past  and assumed he would ‘screw me out of money ’. But he is in fact NOT this other person from my past and I was lost in my mind.  Thus I could not see clearly and so I sabotaged myself in that moment to go in circles, forever re-creating the past as I  put my marriage in jeopardy by hurling out verbal abuse.  But why?!  I lost my awareness of my body, I was not aware of my breath, in fact my body was probably tensing up and I often hold my breath when I am emotional (with fear/anger/stress)…

THE SOLUTION

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my awareness of my physical breath-so to stay here/present and out of my mind of time, specifically the past as memories, within the above mentioned discussion with my partner/husband.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give the communication/conversation of talking about money with my partner/husband a negative charge.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, within the mind’s design of polarities, my husband of someone who , ‘flies off the handle’ and me the ‘calm one’.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become so possessed, within the past of memories/my thoughts  that I  allowed the emotions and the energies of fear/anger/anxiety,  to completely possess me, so totally that I do not even remember how I insulted him/verbally abused him.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and compare my husband to a person from my past.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to live from the starting point of the past, forever destined to timeloop in self-dishonesty, as I do not face myself and deal with what is in my mind and stop it, no one can do this for me.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my husband will not respect me/love me ‘enough’, therefore I assume/judge him to be not worthy of my complete trust and allow suspicion to direct me/influence me -based on past experience that ‘this is what some husband’s do’- that he will financially cheat me/leave me.
Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ‘I’m not good enough character’ and make my partner into the ‘men are basically stupid‘ character.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being poor again. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I am not capable of living on my own and being stable with finances and all aspects of life.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the emotions of:  anger/guilt/blame/resent/suspicion  but it comes down to fear- fear of loss of my home/husband’s company and sex and financial stability/step-daughter/money-security.
To continue with Self-Corrective Application Statements:  walking the solution breath by breath
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