For proper context to this blog please read Day 185
: and Day 186. From the first post:
What did I miss?
At first, I noticed was aware of my non-reaction, I even thought, ‘I am not going to react, this is cool, I am calm…let him react, I’m not going to’
Ah, there is some nasty backchat, so I was judging him as ‘flying off the handle’ and myself as ‘the calm, sensible one’ making the two of us characters in my mind instead of just staying with reality-2 people in the kitchen having a discussion.
Then, as the conversation continued I felt some fear-that I expressed as anger-from the past-as memory experiences-where I fear being ‘poor’ (not really poor/but having very little money) again. I compared the moment to the past and I compared my husband to my ex-husband and ass-u-me he will ‘screw me out of money just like my ex did’ but he is in fact NOT my ex-husband and I was lost in my mind of the past. Thus I could not see clearly and so I sabotaged myself in that moment to go in circles, forever re-creating the past as I put my marriage in jeopardy by hurling out verbal abuse. But why?! I lost my awareness of my body, I was not aware of my breath, in fact my body was probably tensing up and I often hold my breath when I am emotional (with fear/anger).
Walking the Solution: Commitment Statements and Self-Corrective Application
When and as I see myself having lost awareness of my physical breath, which is what is supporting me to stay here/stable and out of my mind of inner chatter/backchat, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself this point is imperative if I am to communicate with my partner in reality and common sense versus becoming lost and overwhelmed within fears of the past and thus ineffective within our conversation, so it is a waste of our time as no issues are resolved. In that, I also remind myself to not charge conversations about finances/money/wills with a negative charge, as the starting point so I am not sabotaging the conversation from the beginning, assuming it will go badly, it is what it is ; the two of us talking, no more and no less. Thus I commit to the process of changing me within such financial discussions with my partner/husband.
When and as I see myself participating in the mind’s design of polarities around this issue, characterizing my partner as the ‘crazy’ one and me the ‘sensible’ one, or engaging in assumptions, judgements and fear that my husband is not trustworthy, I stop, I breath. I realize this is quite ridiculous as no sooner did I think that then I ‘lost’ it within reacting to the point of not even remembering that I shouted abuse at him. I remind myself I cannot judge another as it is not self-honest, judging in itself is quite useless, in that it promotes separation between people, instead of understanding and so I commit to remind myself not to minimalize another by making them a character in my mind, but we are all one and equal in this physical reality and I continue walking my process of self-correction. I also realize, when I look at the facts in reality
, my partner has always done what he said and shared all he has with me.
When and as I see myself comparing my husband to a person from my past, and thus living this moment from the starting point of the past, within my mind of memories I stop, I breathe. I realize this is total self-sabotaging behavior as it destroys
any chance of a ‘best for all’ outcome, he is in fact NOT this person from my past, and this person is not a monster regardless, as we equality created the relationship we had together and we have been on friendly terms for the last 20 years. I also realize memories/past experiences, which I re-play in my imagination, cannot be trusted as I have often (unconsciously) altered/changed them so they are not even an accurate account of what occurred. So I am only lying to myself and to my husband when I exist in two places -the physcial and my mind- when we are discussing money issues. This can cause harm within my current union which I do not want, so I commit to the process of slowing down/stopping thoughts and stabilizing with breath.
When and as I see myself being directed by fear of being ‘poor’ and unable to ‘cope’/live on my own I stop, I breathe. I realize I am participating in my mind and thus not dealing with what is here, in reality. I see that existing in the past with memories is not/has not served me in my life, I cannot trust my mind of memories or effectively direct myself here when I let the mind lead me down the rabbit hole of emotions about events past. I realize I can trust myself to make common sense decisions today with regards to finances and my relationships. Thus. I commit myself to the process of keeping my feet on the ground and move myself in the physical to get these tasks done.
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In conclusion,I can see that, what I require to do in such instances is stabilize myself with breath and find a new starting point of; looking in common sense for a solution that is mutually agreeable with my partner. We did get to that point anyway and we always have, so I require to be aware with breath so I can remind myself of this waste of time and energy I am putting myself through, and putting my partner through as well.
Also , I can see when I do slow down, within such conversations, and do not react, he also slows down/calms down/voice becomes softer so he tends to mirror me.