Day 189: Facing Extreme Anxiety

Four days ago now,  Bernard Poolman passed away.  I am still somewhat stunned by this event.  I realize that to participate too extensively in  emotions only deepens our point of separation and it is best to live here, in each moment with breath, out of the mind. However, I also understand it is important not to suppress emotions, but rather to express emotion self-honestly in the moment. 
Not to exaggerate, but I cannot deny it feels like the loss of a family member, someone I respected and viewed as a father figure, even though I was a year older than him, lol.  I was very much looking forward-and fearing- meeting Bernard next summer. I am disappointed on many levels.
Damn, damn, damn!  I just didn’t have the money to go the farm before. Had I known Bernard would pass away this summer, I would have pushed the money point with my partner much sooner, as I know when something is very important to me/or to him we always ‘try and find a way’ to make it a reality. However, I thought there was no rush, no cause to take extreme financial measures and I could plan it responsibly for next summer.
But before this all occurred , I had been experiencing extreme anxiety since last Wednesday. I believe it has been building over the last 2 months since my Mom died. There have been 3 major events happen in 2013(and some ‘minor’ ones ie. my cat’s health problems, changes in my employment): the death of my father-in-law in January, my mom’s death in June and now Bernard’s passing.
Within this, there have been several issues to deal with physically and several issues of a financial/accounting manner to discuss with my partner and other family members.Sometimes these issues have gone very smoothy, others not so much.
Combined with my internal battles around process, self-judgement/self-doubt, although it has been difficult there was significant relief/release/support within process. I was able to do alot of blogging about what was going on within the last 2 months but…last Wednesday I noticed something was physically different with tightness in my stomach-but more solar plexes and then up my throat/neck/esophagus and some headache and mid-back ache, almost like I wanted to vomit sometimes.
I have experienced this before a few times in my life, like when I quite drinking for good. At that time, I received assistance from my doctor to reduce the anxiety with a mild sedative. It really did support me and I did not have to take too much. So when the extreme anxiety was still there Saturday morning I went to my doctor and got the same prescription of which I am only taking a half of one pill a day. My plan was to just use it 2 days.Then, I heard Bernard had died I felt like I had lost my anchor, so to speak and uh oh… am I adrift again?
Of course, I cannot use anyone/anything as an excuse so I will continue to face myself. Unfortunately, I have continued with the half sedative 2 more days now. Hope this is the last. I will apply process; self-forgiveness and walk the correction application until this anxiety is no longer existent within and as me, no longer possessing my mind, causing it to whirl within the same thought patterns over and over. I will write out/face my anxiety until it is done!
To continue in the next post.

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