Day 194 – Regret Part 2 Jinx letting go of blame and sadness
From the previous post: I have been listening to the Atlantean Series on regret, part 120/121/122, which I highly recommend! Thus, I can see there are more ‘layers’ of regret to work through in relation to my cat’s death. I can clearly see how investigating a situation, such as this, has a ripple effect, which is equally beneficial/healing, within my life/living as it alters/changes my reactions to other memories of-in this case- regret. So, I will proceed to ensure I am addressing all dimensions thoroughly.
Why didn’t I tell the student to put Jinx inside when she left for the day/why didn’t I call her in the morning to see how it was going/why didn’t I leave my daughter’s earlier?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, within the emotions of regret/blame/self-pity/self-victimization, with questioning myself when I know the answer: whenever I go away, even for a day, there seems to be much to plan/organize and I sometimes postpone and then end up rushing/feeling panicked and so go into ‘there’s not enough time’ mode and ‘worried wife’ rushing around instead of just moving with breath so, although I thought I was being thorough (I wrote out instructions for her for the animals) I did not investigate within myself all possibilities -scenarios she may face with the animals and so did not specify for her to bring Jinx in from the porch when she left for the day, instead I assumed that ‘oh surely that is obvious’ when I did quickly think about that point, I dismissed it as unimportant. I did not call in the morning because I thought it was only a short period of time and I did not want to seem nagging/untrusting of her competency as she was doing me a favor–so again the needing to be liked character–putting my own self-interest ahead of the safety of anothers! I din’t leave my daughter’s earlier because we were enjoying the company, brunch in the country and then my partner and her partner enjoyed a round of golf.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I looked into and as that memory as self-judgement. In that, I cannot effectively assist and support myself to change if I access memory within reactions of emotions, especially judgement, because then all I will see within such moments are my reactions, how I am then compromising/limiting/bullying myself . I cannot then change/transform me in my reaction toward the memory or look into those memories and see what I can learn .
In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look into and as that memory as self-judgement and from that point then beLIEve I deserve to be punished I don’t deserve to forgive myself , that I deserve to punish myself because of what I’ve done. In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that such a belief -that I deserve to punish/victimize/pity myself and really go into the depths of blame for what I had done, I cannot ever give myself the permission to learn and from that learning to in fact change.
So, I commit to slow myself down and do my utmost to consider all possibilities when leaving the home/plants/animals in the care of another when I leave for an overnight or longer. In this way, I ensure that, should the unforeseen happen, I know I have been thorough and will not go into emotional reactions but I will be here-aware and ready to deal with whatever is occurring and thus be able to support and assist another. I also commit to remind myself not to concern myself with the response/reaction of another but to do/say what needs to be done/said, here in physical reality, so as to not compromise the safety of others/vulnerable beings.
I should have not taken Jinx in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, within the emotions of regret/blame/self-pity/self-victimization, with questioning myself when I have the answer existent within and as me already: I took Jinx into my care because he needed a home and I thought it would be enjoyable for my children and I to have a dog and a cat, as my dog and cat got along well when I was growing up. Realistically, I could not have known Pika (my dog) would not be friendly with and often take a run at Jinx-lots of noise and a scuffle but never biting. Also, I realize animals face this/have to defend themselves, when they are outside, from other wild or domestic animals, as the current design of nature. I did not bring Jinx home for a trial run and I would do this now. Jinx had a loving home for 11 years with us. Unfortunately, when I got married another cat came to live in the home and he was also aggressive towards Jinx. When I asked my husband to have that cat go over to his ex-partners house he said that was not an option. I do not know for a fact that the other 2 animals being aggressive towards Jinx caused his stroke, it may have happened anyway, most of the time they ignored him so he had mostly a peaceful/comfortable life/existence and seemed happy and content. He was often purring and enjoyed playing, when the other two were not around, during the night-he had the whole house to himself!
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I have to step up within myself that I have to absolutely make that decision to directly face what I had done and REALLY forgive myself for what I have done to such an extent that I know within the self-forgiveness I will really change because then I can trust my forgiveness I can trust my change and transcend that point of believing that I need to punish myself because punishment is not going to change me, I am not going to learn from it. Only in the understanding what I did /why I did it will assist and support me to truly change and not repeat the past.
I commit myself to take the consideration of adopting another animal, at some future point, very seriously and examine how this animal will get along in my home, as in the home environment, if there are other animals to contend with and if it is an appropriate time to adopt. I commit to, if I should consider having more than one animal, having a ‘trial period’ in which I can assess how the animals get along so it is best for all.
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