Day 199: Forgiving Myself for Porn in my Mind Part 2

standupone1Mind Porn Addiction: Part 1

From Part 1: I have had success transcending much of this already, through my DIP (Desteni I Process Pro) course and Desteni participation: chats, blogging, eqafe interviews and then applying what I have learned in my daily life, but not completely.  Therefore, I will write it out until it is clear, no longer existent within and as me -so I do not require to use-or accept and allow myself to use- mental images (pornography in my mind) when having sex at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use pictures/imaginings in my mind when having sex with my partner and partners past.

In that, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see /realize/understand how participating within my own mind of pictures/fantasies in fact desensitizes oneself to ones partner and builds up an energetic charge that must be re-enforced and increased overtime-so ones imagination must become more and more extreme in its imaginings to produce that same result (JUST LIKE WITH ALCOHOL, as one requires to drink more and more as time goes on) just to feel the same energy ‘high’ effect you had when the addiction began.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see /realize/understand how I have judged myself as guilty, bad, less than, disgusting for participating in porn in my own mind but always after the fact, when before I minimized and justified my greedy want/desire in self-interest assuming it was ‘harming no one’ as it was just my mind and it did not matter/did not effect anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotions of self-judgement, guilt, regret, shame after using my mind of imagining others while having sex with my partner/past partners and when looking at these memories.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see /realize/understand how I was self-sabotaging myself over and over by limiting how intimate I would get with a man/partner because I would often not be here /present with him, when being sexually intimate,  but lost in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see /realize/understand how I have blamed various sexual partners throughout my life of not being monogamous or intimate enough, when I was cheating in my mind and I could not be intimate just with them!

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see /realize/understand how I effected another by essentially raping them in my mind, using images of religious nature believing it to be harmless and exciting to be ‘bad’ go against what is acceptable. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, at times, use violent images of myself and others in my imagination believing this to be exciting and ‘bad’ and justifying it by telling myself that this is not harmful to anyone but perhaps myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand how I look into and as these memories, of using my own mind as a porn movie, as self-judgement. In that,  I cannot effectively assist and support myself to change if I access memories within reactions of emotions, especially judgement, because then all I will see within such moments are my reactions, how I am then compromising/limiting/bullying myself . I cannot then change/transform me in my reaction toward the memories or look into those memories and see what I can learn .

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look into and as these memories as self-judgement and from that point then beLIEve I deserve to be punished  I don’t deserve to forgive myself , that I deserve to punish myself because of what I’ve done.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that with such a belief -that I deserve to punish/victimize/pity myself and really go into the depths of blame-, I cannot ever give myself the permission to learn and  from that learning to in fact change.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I have to step up within myself that I have to absolutely make that decision to directly face what I had done and REALLY forgive myself for what I have done to  such an extent that I know within the self-forgiveness I will really change because then I can trust my forgiveness, I can trust my change and transcend that point of believing that I need to punish myself because punishment is not going to change me, I am not going to learn from it. Only in the understanding what I did /why I did it will assist and support me to truly change and not repeat the past.

575461_377483378988226_907899986_nInvestigate:

Porn Addicts Journey to Life:

http://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/

Desteni Forum for support:

http://forum.desteni.org./

Free interviews:

What is Sex:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-overview

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-introduction

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-part-seven

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-part-eight

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-sex-part-9

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation:

https://eqafe.com/series/7-shocking-secrets-of-masturbation

The Metaphysical Sectrets of Imagination:

https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-introduction

https://eqafe.com/p/the-metaphysical-secrets-of-imagination-self-image-and-imagination-part-1

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