I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand how I participate within my mind of imagination, picturing her looking me up and down in a disgusted way, like I don’t ‘measure up‘ anymore or gossiping about me with another woman. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand how I participate within my mind of backchat/inner conversation telling me all sorts of lies/assumptions, all very spiteful in nature, accusing her of being superficial and spiteful toward me when this dialogue is coming from inside of ME!!
Taking Things Personally: Part 1
From Part 1: I have been listening to the Reptilian series on ‘Taking Things Personally’…I can see that I have lived ‘on guard’ … which really harms/limits my relationship to others and to myself, as it’s sole purpose is to create mistrust. Therefore, I keep my distance …so I never have the opportunity to develop a relationship that is supportive or meaningful with several people…It is interesting, as I choose a person to approach to investigate this point, to see what thoughts/backchat come up in my mind, and was planning to do so last night. It was an AA medallion (alcoholics anonymous celebration of so many years of sobriety) for a woman we both know. When I saw her, the thought that came up was, ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’ and instead of being aware I beLIEved my own backchat and avoided her! But that was the very point of the exercise, lol, to choose someone whom I don’t feel quite comfortable with/uneasy with/want to limit my time/interaction with. So, what is in and behind this thought?
Thought: ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand how this thought controlled me in that moment and how it exists within me to the extent I was not even aware when it came up and so I missed an opportunity to share/explore/express/support myself and another and instead chose to hide, as in I hid behind someone who was ‘easy’ to be with/talk to because I have no mind reaction to them.
In that, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I have a guard in my mind, forever ‘on the lookout’ for any little thing-excuse-to stay away/avoid interaction with another.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand how I am taking things personally with this woman, letting fear direct and control me, fear that her movements mean something or that a certain way she looks at me /tone in her voice lead me into the fear and assumption that she disapproves of most things about me/my life, the fear that I will have to ‘work hard’ to prove to her I am ‘ok’/fun/happy and this takes too much energy, the fear she will criticize me to others. Thus, I am solely focusing outward onto her and I require to focus my attention/shift my attention inward to my own reaction.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use her as an excuse to not examine my own fears, my own self-doubt and insecurities about the direction my life has taken, the decisions I have made, and I am projecting these fears onto her. As, when I really look at this self-honestly, whatever this woman thinks/doesn’t think about me, I would not change my direction in life/how I appear physically/who I am/what I stand for. When I slow myself down, I can see I have been very ‘defensive‘ my entire life and am still somewhat today. I need to remind myself why I did not pursue a career which could have made a substantial amount of money ( I did not pursue a real estate career after I got my license) and just work part-time at home now, I require to remind myself I am capable to contribute to implementing a Living Income Guaranteed-as a part of the whole AND STOP BLAMING/fearing others judgement of me WHEN I JUDGE MYSELF/my decisions as fearing I have made the wrong decisions making me financially vulnerable/being selfish/as naive-you can’t change the world.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand how taking every little thing this woman does/says personally gets me out of reality in that moment and jumping into the mind, where I engage in backchat, then feeding on all the nasty internal gossip leads me into a cornucopia/feast of emotions: spitefulness, anger, resentment, blame, judgement, inferiority, superiority, guilt, jealousy, fear…so I am so worked up with energy, it is no wonder I think, ‘I don’t want to talk to her, it’s always uncomfortable/difficult’ BECAUSE I HAVE MADE IT SO IN MY MIND.
To continue in the next post
An Economist’s Journey To Life: