Please see Part 6 of this blog series, for proper context to this post, in which I discuss the thinking patterns I have identified in the evening hours.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand how I automatically enter my imaginary world, by following one of these first thoughts, within each evening of my life, but is it ‘my life’ when all I am doing is following ‘what comes up’, especially seeing it is basically the same shit each night, seeing pictures of family members, moving images of memories, allowing myself to be worried and frightened by something that is not even real but a projection of the future from the ‘projector’ in my own head-a movie-I am watching about me being ill, or abandoned, or alone at dinner, replaying scenes from movies or tv. Furthermore, it is in total self-interest, self-absorbed and consumed within fantasies of ‘what if’ as different scenarios play out upstairs, while not at all being considerate that ‘MY LIFE’ is actually connected to all other lives here on earth! Thus, my concern and actions should reflect that, my attention and focus requires to be on ‘my life’ as one and equal to all lives/life on this planet, otherwise I am just a seed unraveling without clear and directive authority, so not life at all, just a seed with a beginning and and end, biding my time here, consuming the planet and consuming my flesh until it is no more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand when I participate in inner conversation/backchat-which is the outplay of these evening thought patterns, like (referring to the first thought examples above):
I eat too much, I’m gaining weight, I look like X now, I have a ‘middle aged’ body now, I wonder if my husband will have an affair, he seems very happy with me, still you never know, I should be careful about my money, I could be broke again like after my first marriage, oh God I can never let that happen again…
Breast, breast cancer, lump under arm, you should check, that could happen, I hate having to check for lumps, why do I always think about that when I am having my nightly bath, I’m obsessed with it, it’s all the over-the-top pink ribbon stuff, mamograms, millions upon millions raised for research, has any of this decreased the rate of breast cancer? No, so just breathe…
L./R. I hope he/she doesn’t get in a car accident, they shouldn’t drive tonight, I hope he/she doesn’t drink and then drive. Note: I have actually transcended much of how I used to worry about my children. but still comes up somewhat.
Can I go for a blade, do I have time? I should exercise, I could walk to a meeting (alcoholics anonymous), I should walk uphill ’cause it burns off calories, I ate too much at dinner, maybe it will help me not get fat if I exercise, I sure look different now, I don’t look good in this cause I’ve gained weight…
Oh god, I didn’t get that done, shit, I’ll do it tomorrow first thing, I have too many ‘first things’ to do, ok I’ll do x and y and z first thing right after I get my coffee, I won’t even clean the kitchen, I’ll just sit down and do it, that’s what I always say and then I get distracted, ok so in the afternoon I’ll do a and b and c, ya that’ll work out, oh no, I forgot about that appointment and driving L. to school tomorrow, ok I’ll do y and z and then ….
`Human Rights and the violations of human rights is directly related to Money. Currently, money is the blood of the system. And the soul of money is the blood of the people. We currently have a system that costs the blood of innocents by placing profit / self-interest before life.’ Bella Bargilly
Check out the Bill of Rights @ the Equal Life Foundation – a comprehensive approach to our Co-existence to ensure the Right to Life, Freedom and Dignity for All. Check out the Living Income Guaranteed – with solutions that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.