Day 231: Anger and Hate: The Past Still Haunting Me

Self_Hating_Snape_by_Lithrael I am facing a point of anger that still exist within me. I have an emotion of hate/despise for a person that I was in relationship with about 15-20 years ago and anger at myself for allowing the relationship to have happened at all. I find myself going into my imagination now and then if I should ever bump into this person. How it would play out, what I would/should say, should I be kind and casual, should I be spiteful/revengeful, how could I really ‘get him’ without it being too obvious? Then I go into fear that he would say something back, how could I counteract this response, as ‘he hurt me enough, I don’t want him to get the better of me again’, kind of thing. Sometimes I am able to say something to myself like, ‘well, we are equal, it was my fault too because I allowed it’ but it still comes up, the feelings of anger and  hate, all dripping in blame. I have compared him to like the devil/master of deception many times in my secret mind.

I recall him saying to me once, ‘it’s ok to feel’ and I thought that was so romantic and ‘real’ of him, so sincere. But what he meant was it’s ok to feel horny for our brief time together and then I don’t want to see you until I call you again. He simply used me for sex when he wanted and I was naive and pathetically obsessed with him and he knew this. He definitely took advantage of me but carefully did not promise anything.

My marriage was ending when we met so I was vulnerable for anyone who would give me ‘positive’ attention. My obsession led to mental illness and alcoholism. So our meeting almost led to my death. Is this his fault or mine? I would say it does not matter and I do understand I require to take full responsibility for my life as in every thought/word/deed. Time to uncover another layer within this issue and continue the process of healing.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to become hate/spite, and as hate think, ‘I hate that man, he used me, he almost killed me’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing to exist in separation with this person.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, and be directed by, the energy of anger, in and around this issue and to think myself superior to this person while holding an attitude of being indignant.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that by existing in hatred and spite toward him, I am actually hating/spiting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to be directed by fear that my life will be cut short because of how I have harmed my physical body throughout the years, in  part because of the timeline of events after meeting this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing to exist within anger and resent towards this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to be directed by shame and remorse that I wasted so much of my time thinking of him/romantically fantasizing about him, writing songs about him, focusing on him in a spiritual way (looking for signs that we were meant to be together, analyzing dreams about him, praying about him), manipulating situations so we could see each other, getting an apartment closer to where he lived because I thought my ‘higher power’ wanted me to lol, trying to be a ‘good enough’ songwriter so he would want to write with me and we could spend more time together, thinking if I could just succeed as a songwriter he would want to be with me, trying to be ‘pretty/sexy’ so he would want to be with me.

hateI forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself  to be directed by guilt, shame and remorse that I was not a ‘good’, healthy, stable parent during this time of my life, who could have been focusing on getting a stable, practical income instead of living in self-interest dreamsing of romantic love, success, fame. (I did spend a lot of time with my children/did things at their school/etc.)

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that I have blamed him, in part, for my mental illness and then my alcoholism.

I forgive myself for not accepting and and allowing myself to see/realize/understand how I am existing in self-blame that it was/is my own fault because I could not love myself/was not self-responsible/mature/self-respecting enough to know to stay away from a relationship like this. (nothing wrong with a casual relationship if the adult parties agree to it, but was not right for me at that time).

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to think, ‘I wish I could go back in time. I would throw the glass of wine in his face and walk. I would never harm myself for someone like that again. He disgusts me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to have memories exist within and as me of self harm/harm and extreme humiliation when we were together.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of being so humiliated (but awake for a moment!) and saying ‘well, why don’t you just pay me, if you don’t even want to go out on a date but just come over for sex’ but then giving in when he was ‘ insulted’ and threatened to leave.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to exist in a state of fear that I could not live without him (I should have seen the pattern as I had this same thought about 2 other men before him lol) and to be directed/controlled by an emotion of desperation that I would do almost anything just so he would see my again. Indeed, I lived in waiting/obsessing from when we said goodbye till we met again.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to participate in thoughts/backchat like: OMG, how could I have done that to myself ? So pathetic. Well, he’s an old man now, serves him right, maybe he’s even dead. Just like the devil, luring the unsuspecting/innocent victim with quick and easy treats/a high and then dropping them like they don’t matter, he’s probably alone too cowardly to make a commitment, that’s what he deserves, why did I follow along, why was I so sick about it, it was all so superficial, I was superficial ( I ‘fell in love’ with his looks and musical abilities), what a fool I was, he is the worst of the worst kind of human being, I hate him for treating me like dirt. What an insensitive asshole for saying that (I had used the term ‘our relationship’ and he said in an angry tone, ‘Sandy, we don’t have a relationship’) I hate myself for allowing someone to speak to me in such a degrading way.

To continue

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