Continuing From Day 231: Anger and Hate 1
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would die, could not enjoy life/have a worthwhile life without this person, to the extent I obsessed and harm myself physically and mentally. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself -looking back now- to go into self-blame and shame over how I lived out this fear and self-belief for years, in self-pity, that I was ‘alone’ (all one) and I ‘missed out on the love of my life’ lol.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to harm my human physical body in many ways over a number of years around this issue of obsessing this person and then holding anger within me, such as: going into extreme anxiety when I would call him/he would call me/before a date which led to tension/pain in my shoulders, back, neck and head, nausea in my stomach, shallow breathing, holding my breath, & using alcohol to medicate myself so I could function after I found myself hearing voices as a result of extreme obsessive thinking, to the point of becoming an alcoholic for a 10 year period (I have been sober now for 9 and a half years!).
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest many negative consequences resulting from this issue of my mental obsession and then anger at his person over the years, including: I have used my anger to justify blaming him for the past and this has kept me stuck in the past by not allowing myself to take full responsibility for my actions. Thus, I have been a time loop thus limiting myself/my growth by relying on the past to tell me who I am in this moment, instead of letting the pictures/memories that come up go absolutely. I have blamed him (and others) in anger for my not ‘succeeding’ in life because of wallowing in self-pity and self-interest based on the past, like ‘I’m so broken because of him and that is why I do not go out into the world and try’. I have blamed him in anger for not meeting anyone new, which I felt would have assisted me financially/emotionally, when the truth was my alcoholism kept me isolated and unable to form a healthy relationship with anyone. I have held onto anger beLIEving he caused my mental illness and alcoholism and therefore he hurt my children and caused me to loose 10 years of my life in an alcoholic daze. The consequence of this is that I did not/have not completely empowered myself as a whole being/life but abdicated this responsibility by continuing to believe all my nasty backchat, imagination and replay memories in my mind, causing me to remain stuck. As I have been so possessed by anger, I have become the manifestation of anger and spite by and allowing it to embody me/’be me’ so that it can fester and grow stronger instead of allowing me to grow stronger as life here, with breath in and as the physical reality.
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