Solution: Change my relationship to what is actually here in reality-from mind to physical-and thus change my relationship to myself and others, into what is best for all. To accomplish this, I will deconstruct the above thought, firstly by examining it in writing in a general way, then applying self-forgiveness and finally reconstruct it through a process of self-corrective statements. I will do this over the next few posts.
During my first marriage, I spent alot of time with my ex’s cousin and his wife. We would go over to their place for an evening and go up to their palatial cottage for weekends. Considering our age, at the time, they were very wealthy. My ex and I were always broke so had little to contribute as far as paying for a dinner out or bringing up much to their cottage to contribute. I wanted to stay home if money was tight but my ex would have no part in that. I was quite an insecure person in my late 20′s. Their home and cottage were grand, they were both very good looking, pleasant to be around although our friendship never went past a superficial level. I always felt less than/inferior, uncomfortable/insecure, like I was not enough, in constant self-doubt. Is there something else I can do, some other way I can help out. I never enjoyed myself all the time we spent with them. I did not feel I had much in common with them. It was just awful, truly I hated it.
This was 20 years ago and when I think of them now, mostly it is in the context of spite, resentment, some jealousy and fear. I think how unfair it is they should have the perfect life. They are now late 50′s and have been retired for a number of years and travel extensively, have a number of houses in different parts of the world. It is very cool they are happily married, I have no issue with that.
I struggled with feeling how insensitive they were, self-absorbed and lost in their small elite circle, world and lifestyle . I struggled, in the past and somewhat still today, with thoughts like, ‘their children have everything, she never has a real worry or stress, oh fitting in going to the gym but her Benz won’t start or organizing the nanny for the day, but never how to pay the electricity bill or how to afford the upcoming school excursion that costs $20 or how to pay for new winter boots for the kids. It’s not fair and now I’m suppose to go be their guest, a prisoner in their cottage, witness all this carefree lifestyle has to offer and be so happy and all grateful for their hospitality? Sure I’m happy for them, I’m just not happy for me/my family. Why should I be? I already know everyone has their own struggles to deal with in this life, but that is the same for all people, rich and poor. So all else being equal, it is obviously better to have financial stability let alone great wealth.’
I have a memory of another wealthy woman saying, ‘she is the least self-conscious person I have ever met, she is just herself, no walls ‘ Well, that’s easy when you have everything! Why did I punish myself with such depreciating thoughts like, she/they are so talented, they have so many cool hobbies, I am so uninteresting, they are so naturally good looking, I wish I could make a playroom for my children like they have for their children, their kids have such cool clothes, a drink will help me feel better, I can act confident and be interesting with a drink (note: I did not drink alcoholically at this time).
They were very involved with charity balls, which I found difficult to swallow. I did not understand my dislike/uncomfortability around charity work at the time. All I knew was it separated me more from this couple. The wife was a key organizer for such events and numbers were thrown around, as she had been a part of the group responsible for raising X thousands of dollars for Y charity. Her and another wealthy female friend (I met through my ex) spent large sums dressing for these occasions, with the gown, shoes, purses, jewelry, hair, etc. It did not impress me but I knew not to speak out about it, or so I thought was appropriate at the time, within my marriage. I recall I made a few comments over the years and it was not received well.
I have no problem with people, who can afford to, giving money to others/institutions that need it. It is simply not a solution and poverty (thus charity) must be approached as something that must be eradicated and not just ‘dealt’ with, within self-interest to minimize ones guilt and/or justify ones large purse.
Living Income Guaranteed – An Economic Solution for a Failing Capitalism
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eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Equal Life Foundation – Facebook Stream for Unfolding Events and Solutions.
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“What could have been, what has been, what can be, what will be, what shall be – all is unimportant. What is Here is all that any being ever has.” Bernard Poolman