For proper perspective to this post, please read part 1
From part 1: Problem: Within the above statement/thought there is a truck load of memories and associated emotions of resent/anger/jealousy, which chain me to the past. I am existing in separation from this couple, limiting both them and myself to ideas/characters which I hold onto to, to define all of us, based on memories of the past. Thus, I am unable to see what is here, as direct reality and unable to change what is here. Solution: Change my relationship to what is actually here in reality-from mind to physical-and thus change my relationship to myself and others, into what is best for all.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger, and as anger think, ‘I always felt ‘less than’ going to their cottage. Why do they get the perfect life? It really makes me angry!’
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within many fears around issue/thought, as the very foundation of the thought. If I were not fearful I would not give this couple any time in my mind but there is fear: I fear the husband and my ex thought I was and am less than/inferior, I fear I am less than inferior to them in that I did not make alot of money or have ‘success’ in any other way, I have no outstanding skill/talent/ability-as in I do not stand out, therefore I can be overlooked not have value as a human being. I fear this couple mirrors this fact back to me as they are everything I am not, they are super successful /personality magnets/good looking / smart/funny etc. I was fearful this couple mirrored my failure, when I saw them, or imagined them in my mind, I saw myself as an utter failure.
Within that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand all of the qualities I wrote about above, are very superficial and thus I have been superficial in my wants and relationships throughout my life. Thus, I have been a hypocrite, as ‘being superficial’ is what I have accused this couple and others of.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to an idea/definition of ‘success’ and ‘failure’, giving them polarized energetic charges, allowing these energies to possess/control me, instead of being here/present in the moment with this couple or simply with myself, expressing as life with each breath as reality/what is before me in the physical.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my imagination in and around this thought, with projections of the future and memories of the past: seeing this couple smiling, happy, on vacation, at casinos, in expensive homes/restaurants, at their cottage.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in inner chatter/backchat like: Its easy to be all happy and smiling all the time when you’re rich, they have no pressure and no worries like me and most people, they have everything its not right or fair, they think I’m unimportant/uninteresting/not worthy of their time or friendship, must be nice they retired so young and travel the world and stay at the best places, their children had every advantage, their children are spoiled and had it easy.
In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the design of comparison and competition, further separating myself from my fellow man, in and around this thought, comparing myself and my life to this couple and their life, engaging in all sorts of opinions, beliefs, history, past as experience, all in self-interest/self-pity and as a defense mechanism to make myself ‘feel better’ about my own self-beLIEfs.
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