From part 1: Problem: Within the above statement/thought there is a truck load of memories and associated emotions of resent/anger/jealousy, which chain me to the past. I am existing in separation from this couple, limiting both them and myself to ideas/characters which I hold onto to, to define all of us, based on memories of the past. Thus, I am unable to see what is here, as direct reality and unable to change what is here. Solution: Change my relationship to what is actually here in reality-from mind to physical-and thus change my relationship to myself and others, into what is best for all.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage within polarities in my mind, when I spent time with this couple in the past, and in my imagination today. These polarities kept me occupied within feeling less than and competitive so I was not able to respect (hold myself in a loving way/hold them in a loving way) myself or them, I was unable to focus on reality and simply be there, consumed within self-interest about what their opinion was of me and what I did not have (materially and emotionally) versus what they had. Therefore, I was unable to enjoy myself, honor myself and them, simply see the situation for what it was; they had more money and so more material possessions, period.
In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the emotions/energies of confidence-superiority and insecurity-inferiority, swinging between the two polarities because of my own discomfort level. So feeling first insecure/less than and then desiring to escape this ‘bad feeling’ by talking to myself/inner chatter or having a few drinks (I was not drinking alcoholically at this time, but still used alcohol to boost my ego/liquid courage lol now and then) so ‘feel better’ as I could justify I was the ‘better person’ because they were ‘materialistic’ and I was ‘humble’ lol or ‘feeling better’ with alcohol in me so I could ‘act’ confident and the time would pass faster.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to physical change/physically react when trapped in thought patterns around this issue/couple such as: my whole body contracts in fear and self-doubt causing my breath to become shallow, my back and neck stiffen and begin to ache, my brow creases and my jaw clenches, I create energies/movement in my solar plexes which goes into my stomach causing nausea/stress/anxiety. No wonder I could not enjoy myself!
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that others are aware, or should be aware of how I am experiencing myself , it should be obvious to them when I am uncomfortable others, and that they should take responsibility for me, blaming them for how I was feeling, ‘How insensitive this couple and my husband are, can’t they see how uncomfortable I am here!’ and ‘I am not impressed with their excessive wealth, it just makes the inequality in the world more blatant, I do not enjoy using their toys, I just want to go home.’ But if I was not impressed, why was I so uncomfortable and jealous? It was both, some jealousy/desiring the ‘good/easy’ life and some judgement of how it is wrong people exist in such extreme financial polarities on this earth
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