From Part 1: Most of my anger I work through as it occurs but there are some incidences which linger within me. As I have been working on this anger point, I find a connection of I dont trust that person so I will stay away from them, almost like they are the enemy… because I do not have much contact with these 2 people, I find my anger fades into the background and I just feel mistrust, some mild resent. I was not going to address these points but when I reviewed the memories, there was the anger , alive and well coming up as emotional reactions, into my physical body!
The Thought: You don’t like me but you don’t even know me. I don’t like you either and do not trust you. You think you are better than me.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger and as anger, think, ‘You don’t like me but you don’t even know me. I don’t like you either and do not trust you. You think you are better than me.’ In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have this thought exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, within vanity/ego nd self-interest, that if these two people don’t like me, maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe they are right, and I am not likable, not the person character who I try to portray, like it isn’t working anymore-my personality portrayal, I am boring now, too old now to be important, too old to be beautiful and so this makes me unimportant, I can be passed over, maybe this person was right and I am deceptive within ego and self-interest, maybe I am only my past- an alcoholic who made mistakes the these mistakes/this role of ‘the alcoholic aunt’ is all this person sees?
In that I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve in the character-the nice pretty lady/the nice single mom- and worked hard at perfecting this character so they must believe in it too, as it is who I am, if they don’t believe it /keep it alive, then who am I ? I am no one, I am useless and am dead, left without a ego/personality to define me.
In that, give myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a self-definition to exist/to ‘go on’ in life because life is so difficult to face/other people’s personalities are so difficult to face that I need protection and defense mechanisms and so my anger is one of these mechanisms, to defend who I am/this is me and I am right therefore I am alive, notice me and like me!
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat/inner conversation in and around this issue like, ‘how dare she accuse me of …, she is the one that is judgmental and mean/a bully, who does she think she is, she isworse because she puts on airs like she is a leader/knows better then me/others and then uses her ‘power’/position to belittle me, ha she thinks she is better than me! I do not like her/trust her anymore.’ And with the other situation: She’s decided she doesn’t like me or even that I don’t count as a person so can ignore/overlook me, nothing I can do about it, I”m not going to try harder like I used to do, I ‘ll ignore her too. Who does she think she is, she thinks she knows me and can judge me, I don’t like her/trust her, how unkind/ungrateful, she just listened to gossip I guess.’
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