Day 262: Facing Fear of Illness and Disease 2

main-qimg-c957cae19cbd84c83a20fd965e1dc14eaHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLVRqS2RtVF8yRkVvJTJGVW9iSF9hMk9qN0klMkZBQUFBQUFBQUZxOCUyRmYyRi11RFNxazR3JTJGczMyMCUyRlN5bHZpZSUyQkphY29icy5qcGc=From the previous post:  Can we eventually let go of fears completely, through a process of remaining stable in physical reality, moment to moment? …if I am fearing some future suffering/aging/death I am not ‘present’ here in this real moment and not able to enjoy/interact/notice  what is really here, I am missing out on and limiting myself and my experience, to what is all around me… 

Continuing:  taking self-responsibility for participating in fear of disease/illness, in my own mind:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself imagine having another call back when I go for my mammogram in May, receiving the phone call and going into dread, being in my doctors office and her being all serious, feeling a lump on my breast or underarm when I am having my nightly bath, imagining myself old and frail like my momimagining myself not being able to put on a sweater over my head or being able to walk/take care of myself because of some muscle disease like my mom, throwing up with the fu, getting all hunched over and shrunk because of having osteoporosis, imagining myself fearful of and actually falling and breaking bones when I am older like my mom, being told I have diabetes when I am older and then getting foot infections that do not heal like my mom, imagining anti-biotics do not heal my infections like my mom which led to her death, imagining I have difficulty hearing and being embarrassed like my mom, imagining I have dementia and am confused what year it is and who is alive and dead when I am older like my dad and mother-in-law, imagining I get the latest super-bug/mystery virus and will die, imagining I become paralyzed like my girlfriend because of a brain aneurysm or because of a stroke, imagining I get lung/throat cancer and the doctor telling me this in ‘his’ office, imagining I get heart disease and am unable to move about and become a ‘cardiac cripple’ (a term my dad used) like my dad, imagining my mom as the nurse told me she found her the day she died- all hunched over and looking ‘grey’ in the face.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in memories, and to have these memories exists within and as me of: my mom saying ‘oh well dear, everyone goes through it’, as in accepting her ‘fate’ of aging and physically suffering/diminishing and and then dying, my mom struggling in her bathroom with daily grooming, my mom struggling with getting dressed in her bedroom/my mom lying on the floor in her bathroom unable to get up, after being there alone for 6 hours!/the nurse telling me how she looked the day she died/my dad sitting in the tv room the week before he died/sitting on my dad’s bed the last time I saw him alive/the phone call from the mammogram clinic/the phone call with my doctor explaining my breast exam results (before it was determined benign)/ my grandma on her hands and knees searching for her glasses in the middle of the night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose the mind onto these particular imaginings/scenarios and memories, not seeing/realizing/understanding this separates me from my physical body.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my attention/awareness on my fears/mind and not at all respect my physical body by being one with it-in absolute stability with 4 count breath- as I move about in my day to dayliving.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within backchat/internal conversation like: Oh god, I dread growing old like my poor parents, I hate that, that can’t happen to me, it’s sickening and cruel what my parents had to endure, I hate they suffered and died, I can’t die, I can’t let that happen to me, wither and diminish, my poor little grandma, my poor mom she was so kind and good and look what happened to her.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as /react in the emotional energy of: fear, anger, sadness, dread, self-pity, pity of another, anxietyself-punishmentdepressionpowerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, blame, self-blame and worry in and around this issue.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in behavioral /physical body changes brought on through engaging in fearing disease/illness such as: creating a wave of fear energy in my solar plexes which then rises into my chest,anxiety in my stomach resulting in an uneasy churning/tightness/nausea, a change in my digestion that is uncomfortable, tightening my jaw and facial muscles, stiffening of my shoulder and back muscles, a change in sleep patterns from going into worry in the middle of the night.

To continue

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