Day 263: A Storm of Reactions: Acting in Spite

truthlies

I was at an AA (alcoholics anonymous) meeting last night, which was a 20 year medallion for a friendmeaning 20 years of sobriety. There were several people there I knew quite well from many years in the program, some I had not had a chance to speak with for quite a while. This is because there can be alot of people at a meeting, as well this particular group was a men’s group but for this specific celebratory evening the women were invited lol.  I was aware of several emotional reactions/backchat/thoughts/memories coming up into my mind, slow at first and then like a storm, throughout the hour and a half gathering.  So I will face them here within self-forgiveness and commitment statements and walk a self-correction process (living the commitment statement I write here) as I go about my day to day living and attend meetings in the future.

What I was aware of/identified:

1. SPITE

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to, as I listened to the speaker share his life story of how he became an addict and how he found recovery, engage/participate within backchat like, ‘he looks like a bully, oh he was a bully, figures, I hate guys like that, I would’t trust him as far as I could throw him…’

woman-taking-off-mask1In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to continue chatting away inside my own mind, although I did see for a few moments how the thoughts were coming up one after another, I nonetheless became possessed by them and then possessed with anger and blame. This reaction came out as spite, when I ‘thanked’ him later, the truth is I spited him after he gave/shared freely with me, and I said, ‘I found it very painful to listen to your story…I did not like men like you before…I’m glad you are better for your daughter…’. Only later I realized my dad was a bully to me and to my siblings and then I married a bully and that is why I was reacting so strongly, I was projecting his story onto myself and not staying in reality with breath here but allowed the spite energies to build then spilling them onto this man in blame.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and blame/spite another, becoming the self-victimization character and putting this man in the box of ‘the bully’, instead of standing as an example of life here.

2. Becoming the ‘people pleaser’ or ‘needing to be liked’ character

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to become the ‘I should have talked to X’ or ‘I didn’t talk long enough to Y’ character, in that being a people pleaser or more specifically ‘needing to be liked’ character, thinking ‘it is my duty’ to ‘take care of’ people, that they need attention and I should give it to them so they feel good about themselves… but this is really what I beLIEve I need to do so others like me/accept me/think I am a ‘good person’, thus  it is really for me-to make me ‘feel good‘ about myself in self-interest and so I fulfill my own self-definition of “I am a good person’  and I supposedly can feel confident that ‘I know who I am!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to think, ‘I should have talked more to P’s new girlfriend but I didn’t want to because he left my friend/his wife and I remembered how devastated I was when my husband left me’. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to become the judgment character, having an opinion of him being wrong and me being right and so justifying my ignoring his new girlfriend, based on my past as memories in self-interest &  the projection character, projecting my past divorce onto this current situation.

3. Putting sex first, seeing men sexually first, as ‘I am attracted to this guy’ or ‘I am not attracted to this guy’ and not simply seeing and speaking to the person/being before me. Note: This can be subtle, I was not aware of the extent to which I did this until it was discussed within my participation with Desteni: listening to Eqafe Interviews and taking the DIP/Desteni I Process Course. As well, I am with a partner and monogamous and not a flirt but nonetheless, there it was.

garbage-in-garbage-outI forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to look at several of the men at the meeting as sexual objects, seeing them as attractive or unattractive, noticing their body, clothing, hair and my preferences, me as the judge analyzing their appearance and engaging in inner chatter like, ‘I like his hair, really stylish jeans, he looks good in that, he’s really fit and sexy’ and then imagining speaking to them and wondering if they think I’m attractive, wondering if I looked ‘good enough’ to be noticed by them in a sexual way.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to change how I approach and spend time with these men, so allowing the sexual thoughts to linger/be buzzing around my interaction with them, so I am not totally focused on the person in front of me. Therefore, I am unable to really hear them, unable to focus on the words they are speaking so I miss an opportunity to assist and support my fellow man because I am distracted, within self-interest, desiring an ego boost/some attention to make me feel good about myself as a woman/proof I am sexually attractive.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to participate within memories of one particular man and think, ‘He slighted me in the past, he thinks he is better than me and his girlfriend is better than me cause she makes alot of money‘ and not be here/real with my interaction with him in this moment. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to become the judgement character, judging myself as right and him as wrong, spiting him in my mind for times in the past rejecting me as a friend, assuming he thinks he is superior to me and therefore this makes me superior to him, lol, going into self-blame and inferiority with regards to this person.

To continue 

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Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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