Day 267: Blame: How Could I Have Missed This?

blame 2blame

After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past.  In fact the point I missed, within my taking self-responsibility for what occurred, was MY VERY STARTING POINT!

The mind is tricky. I say this because when I think about this person from my past with my conscious mind, what comes up is a feeling of liking and acceptance with a slight amount of regret/frustration but what is resonating in the background is direct blame andanger for many years of struggle

I am referring to my ex-husband and although the interview suggests that one face points of blame privately, I feel confident he would be cool with me investigating and taking responsibility for our marriage, in this manner.

One of the areas the interview focuses on, within blame is to look at the situation from the starting point. When I do that, I can see I should not have married him in the first place, that was the point of self-responsibility I missed! He was not a suitable partner for me, we basically did not want the same things/life. Although he said he wanted a family and home, when we lived together he did not behave as a committed partner, coming home/calling when he said he would, being reliable/dependable within the union or beingstable/responsible financially. Instead, he preferred the bachelor/no responsibilities kind of life (not a judgement but an observation). I ignored this because of my own fear of facing loosing him/being alone and this was self-interest. I certainly should not have married him without sitting down and talking about what the commitment of marriage entails and the vast consequences of not living up to that commitment. I am referring specifically with the fact of having children together. If it had been just him and I theconsequences would not have been so severe.

The fact is there was zero money left after the marriage and we had two small children. I was not mentally/emotionally capable, at that time, to deal with this fact (together with my ‘broken heart’) and so did not stand up and walk through my life making common sense decisions but used spirituality (prayer, going inward into my own mind in an obsessive way which led to mental illness) and then alcohol to cope. I did get employment but could not sustain it and so made a modest income by having a daycare in my home and having tenants in my home, which was great but not enough to really ‘stand on my own two feet’ kind of thing. Therefore, I borrowed and went into debt which led to building more stress.

When I look at the time leading up to our marriage, there were obvious red flags/warning signs which I ignored. These red flags were not subtle but I was determined/stubborn like ‘it must be, this must happen, he will change, they are wrong, we love each other and that is all that matters’. I had no flexibility nor did I consider my own true well being within the situation and I certainly didn’t have my ex’s true well being at heart either. I was like a bull with the ‘bit between my teeth’and I would not let go. We would be married and that was that.

In reality, all my ex-husband did was be himself throughout our marriage. I married him hoping he would change/wanting him to change and this is an unfair and deceptive way to enter a marriage. In fact, I had a secret/hidden agenda: I will marry you with anidea/picture in my mind of who I want you to be and you better/must live up to it. It is not who you are now but it is what I desire you to be. 

I now realize I was desperate to CONTROL HIM.  Why? Interestingly, he was in many ways like my own father. A true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, one side of him was light hearted, fun, playful like a child and the other side a drinker, unpredictable, moody,angrydepressed, verbally abusive. I could not control my father/what happened during my childhood but my unconscious mind stepped forward and wanted to control my present by re-playing the past/re-creating it. This I should have done through self-investigation/therapy on my own to sort out my own inner turmoil/demons in and around childhood issues, instead I used him to sort through/work through many thoughts/emotions/feelings/memories–my mind of the past–in our present. It was unfair of me to use a marriage and my ex in this was. I also cannot blame myself, as at that time I did not see this at all but was obsessed with him and an idea of marriage, husband, home, children = me/my future/happy.

It was also like, I do not feel good, you must make me feel good, you cannot leave because I need you to mask how I really feel, you/love is my drug (I did not drink alcoholically at this time), I focus on you so I do not have to look at/within myself for real.  You have problems ok, I will help you change them, I am so together, look at me helping my poor boyfriend/husband, I am a good person, who you are defines me/my ‘who I am’ so you cannot leave me!!

What I should have done, when I saw the many red flags/warning sign as we were dating/living together was sit down in a rational/calm way and have a serious discussion about our future, how we see our marriage, what is the commitment specifically, who is responsible for what financially now and after we have children, what are the consequences if we do not live up to these responsibilities-who will suffer and how.

To continue

 

dipl

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

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