For proper context to this blog please read the Part 1 and Part 2 : After listening to the Eqafe Interview: Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past… what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle.
Continuing Walking the Corrective Process:
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I would have stayed in the marriage, I am loyal, it’s his fault we broke up and everything that happened to me after is his fault.’
In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to come from the starting point of blame even today, experiencing myself as a victim and helpless within the blame like, ‘if I stand up to him/speak up he will bully me and I can’t win so I must be silent like my mom was with my dad’ Thus, I hide/suppress whatever it is I wanted to communicate creating a build up of energies in the form of resentment toward him. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of fearing conflict, just as I did as a child with my dad.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat throughout the years we have been divorced and the children have been growing up like, ‘Well, if you had only been a responsible partner/parent we wouldn’t be in this mess/we would have the money to pay for that. I told him that years ago and now here it is so it’s not my problem. If he had only done what I said this would not be an issue today. Oh big surprise, now our children have to deal with this. How could I have married him. I can’t believe I married him, now look at this mess…’
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional reactions of: superiority, inferiority, self-pity, self-victimization, judgement, guilt, fear, and anger, resentment in and around this issue.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into all sort of imaginings re-playing the past to have me ‘come out ahead’/the victor, specifically imagining standing up to him when we first separated so I would receive enough moneyto purchase a home, standing up to him when he wanted to go to court regarding child custody (that worked out well as we went to counceling/family therapy and worked out an agreement-no court no fighting), standing up to him when he would come home late, leaving him years earlier, leaving him before we were married. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe I am right and he is wrong, when it does not matter but to work together to solve issues-inphysical reality- is what matters, understanding that we did not have the ability to communicate with each other effectively the years we were together, is what matters.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, from these energy reactions, create stress in the form of tension/tightening the muscles in my back, solar plexes, stomach, neck and face creating pain and aching, causing me to unaware hold my breath and then breathe shallow.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create the consequence of family conflict in the present when an issue/discussion comes up and I voice my blame of my ex, to him or my children, then they react defensively and an argumentensues. A consequential outflow of this is that all of them, my ex and my children they have less trust in me and are less willing /likely to be ok with building intimacy/communicating openly about things to me, as they see me as reactive -so it destroys futureopportunities to support and assist my family.
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course