Day 275: Annoyance: Learning Something New

annoyanceannoyance 4I have been listening to the Atlanten’s Interview Series on Annoyance from Eqafe.  It seems like it was done just for me, lol, as it ‘hits the nail on the head’ with regard to so many points I have faced throughout my life.   As usual, I am realizing the universe/god has not been ‘against me’ rather I have allowed my mind to interfere and this has stopped me from having the patience and  perseverance required to face/take on a new task/skill/hobby.

I’m pretty good at starting something, becoming excited at the idea of it, especially within projected imaginings in my mind, where I see myself having completed or perfected the desired outcome.  However, I have only let this defeat me as the reality versus my fantasy are vastly different.  I have not taken the time, walked through point by point in space and time-as we are in physical reality and not a heaven which is only in my quantum mind-to learn this new skill/task.

One of the ways the interviews are assisting me is by clarifying that these fantasies I have in my mind are projected potentials

I have been using them as a belief! Like, ‘yes, this is me, I know this is in me’ and then I allow myself to get all excited and when I sit down to begin the task the reality completely opposite, where I find the learning process hard/strenuous/mundane/even boring.

This is not an absolute, I have found I can begin the learning process quite well, as in the most simplistic steps-even the intermediate steps-to become if not competent, sufficient within a task,  taking it just far enough to ‘just doing the minimum required’ as Bernard used to say.  It’s almost like, ‘I’m tierd and bored of this, what can I get a way with/the least amount of effort ‘to pull this off’ kind of thing, so it is acceptable to others.

But where am I in that line of thinking? Where is my true potential my true ‘who I am’?  No where!   Just putting up a front/putting on a good face for others to see, so I can be left alone and go back to hiding, never perfecting something that matters to me/never pushing myself. Oh, I would push myself in ‘the fun stuff’/part I enjoyed, which can become obsessive like writing 500 mediocre songs lol.  Or perhaps writing some good songs but not perfecting the art of presentation, so vocals and instrumentals and recording.  Now, I understand that is a tall order and there is nothing wrong with having others support/assist on a project if one can afford it.  For example I am taking in my computer today to get a number of ‘bugs’ out and this will save me alot of time and is not expensive, or having a friend play some guitar tracks on a song and paying for a simple recording in a studio.

Looking at this point of learning something new now, I see I can go into extreme thinking patterns like, ‘oh forget it, this is waaay harder than I thought, this will take forever, I’m no good just like I thought, I’ll never be able to do this, forget it, I’ll try tomorrow, it should just come natural to me, why does it come natural to others and not me, maybe I’m not suppose to do this if it’s not natural’.

Lol, natural, my definition = easy.  Not point by point learning process but a ‘knowing’, say like feeling the beat of the music to a cool song and then dancing.

I find I put a huge amount of pressure/expectation on myself and then, when my reality does not turn out like my fantasy, I think, ‘try harder’ but the ‘trying harder’ only put on more pressure ….and downward spiral.  I can see that I bring the past with me to the task, all my memories and self-belief (I’m not good enough, I’ll never excel at anything, that is for other people, I’m average’.  Of course, this is all based on ego/self-interest.

To Continue


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