My daughter has had 2 abnormal test results (I will not write about details here) and, when re-doing the test for the third time, the doctor saw another concerning symptom. So they did a biopsy. She was told she will get the results, first in six weeks and then told yesterday she will get the results sometimes next week. There is more than one test so we do not know if they mean for both of the tests or one at a time.
She just started a new teaching job and is getting ready for her wedding in July so she is very busy and concerned about how to deal with all of this. I was very calm on the phone and gave her all sorts of advice of how to deal with her worry and anxiety but when I hung up the phone my own reactions started. I became filled with all sorts of imaginings and inner chatter of doom and then physical body changes, resulting from anxiety.
I will come back to blogging about ‘Annoyance about Learning Something New’, which was my last post, and write this situation out when and as needed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fear of loss and, as fear of loss, think, ‘Omg, L. could have cancer and die, I cannot bear that thought.’
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself participate in backchat/inner conversation like, ‘ I wonder if I caused this condition somehow with all my obsessive worrying thoughts over the years and now it is manifesting in my daughter? It can’t be, this can’t happen, not to L. I do not want to live without L., Life would be meaningless without L.’
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in pictures and imaginations like: being in a doctors office with L., her doctor speaking with her, her having more tests, xrays, comparing her situation to others and having pictures of people I know who have experienced cancer arise in my mind, imagining telling my son L. is ill, L. crying, myself in the future being sad and crying if she were gone, having only one child and fear losing that one child, pictures of my daughter’s fiance.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have gone so far with this thought that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in emotions of of fear, sadness, guilt, self-judgement, stress, suspicion, blame, self-blame and anger–which then leads me further into the mind and the consequences of behavioral changes like: shallow breathing and holding my breath, a tightness in my chest, holding my jaw tightly and facial muscles tensing, creating an anxiety in my solar plexes rising up into my chest and then head giving me a headache, soreness and stiffness in my neck shoulders, upper back.
When and as I see myself going into fear of losing L. and then thought patterns/inner conversations, in and around this issue, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am accessing what is here in this physical moment as reality and not chatting away in my own mind creating more fear. I realize it is my responsibility to look within myself and sort out whatever is going on and stabilize myself back to physical reality. I realize flying around inside my own head is self-sabotaging behavior, as it disempowers me because I cannot communicate self-honestly , I cannot support and assist my daughter effectively because I am not seeing things clearly-as they are in reality- when I am lost in fearful thinking . Thus, I commit myself to stay in the moment with what is physically going on and out of my mind of fear of loss and backchat that can harm.
When and as I see myself going into imaginings, which leads me into the emotions and then the subsequent physical behavioral/body changes, in and around this issue, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I am a physical being here and ask myself, ‘Where are you? What are you doing?’ and then I move. I realize these reactions/future projections are self-sabotaging and limiting because I cannot assess what is going on in any given moment for real, so I waste time fretting instead of doing something that can support and assist my daughter. I also understand , as I am now investigating this point online, that her symptoms are early stages of a problem and -even if is what we fear-this condition in the early stages in very treatable and, almost 100% of the time, curable. Thus, I commit myself to the process of stopping all such imaginings and emotions to external stimuli from situations I cannot control and start living/directing myself within physical stability, and physical reality.
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