I am facing a number of points within myself around the issue of being told I need to have a breast biopsy. Interestingly, the point I will face today is about ‘exposure’ meaning I really did not want to share this news with anyone (I did tell my sister and daughter). Unfortunately, I was sent to the wrong clinic, for the required procedure, two days ago which has put me in a more difficult position around my idea of ‘keeping it secret’ as now I have to wait for another appointment and face the stress/build up of the waiting again.
I realize if I cannot face this, within my process of writing and self-forgiveness (Journey to Life Blogging) and share it openly, then I am not providing an opportunity to support and assist another who may have to face/or is facing this same situation in their life, so I am not in fact standing as an example of oneness and equality within my life and living. Within that, I am not growing/changing/expanding but indeed hiding, living with secrets in my secret mind instead of simply facing what is here in reality. This is no longer acceptable to me so I will write about a number of fears that are coming up over the next several posts. I realize it is a little scattered. I will also publish/include my two previously private blogs in a future post, as they definitely supported me in reducing fear/stress while I was waiting for the first biopsy appointment-the one that did not happen lol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am reacting in fear and looping within thoughts like: If I tell my husband it will make it more real as he will have so many questions and reactions , then I’ll have to worry about his worry/be taking care of him instead of focusing on remaining calm, then I’ll have to be talking about this situation -stirring up my own reactions- instead of having no thoughts and remaining stable with breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am participating within energetic reactions of fear/paranoia/anxiety within thoughts like: I don’t want to expose myself to my husband because he may see me as less valuable as a wife/partner and this could put myself/my future in jeopardy.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to negatively charge the words ‘biopsy’ and ‘exposure’. Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of fear to the words‘biopsy’ and ‘exposure’.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in imaginations of comparisons in my mind, of people who have experienced this process of testing (or something similar) and then go into the energies of fear/worry/stress with thoughts like: they will think I am weak as it is only a test and could be benign. So many others have it worse/suffer greatly, they will judge me harshly, see me as inappropriate, weak , stupid so it is better to keep this to myself and just do it, that person does not understand, I was right as I shared with someone and they got me all upset, I tried to share with someone who has been through this procedure and got no response at all, I do not know what is ‘right’/correct in this situation, I wish it would just go away… that is why I do not want to share , it just upsets me and others.’
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I don’t want to tell my husband because it will bug me if he is condescending, I do not want him to see me differently, I do not want him to control me/my life, I do not want to lose control to him, I do not want him to look at me as a burden especially if I earn less money for a time, I do not want him to treat me differently, I do not want him to remind me of this situation all the time, if tell him I will wonder what he is thinking/I will go into imagination and this is the very thing I am trying to change within myself so it is better to not tell him.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘Women are less valuable than men, a woman who is sick is less valuable than a healthy woman’ and to connect this to a memory of my father.
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