This post was previously unpublished because I had not told my husband I needed a biopsy. I decided to post it because, having read it again recently, I thought it may support and assist another who is facing a biopsy. I have since then been informed my biopsy results were ‘normal’.
I have been told I need to have a breast biopsy because they think there may be increased CALCIFICATION in my left breast. They are concerned because this could be a sign of there being cancerous cells but more so a condition of pre-cancerous cells. I am reminding myself what my report says (from recent mammogram and ultra-sound) that is appears benign, and that there MAY have been a change, as in increased calcification, but that the test results are inconclusive. Staying here, out of my mind is tough. Focusing on breathing is supporting/assisting me to stay calm. Only a few time (maybe 3 or 4) have I felt it possess me. I am focusing on what is before me in physical reality and what I am learning in recent eqafe interviews, that each atom in the cells and make up of my body, has more power/potential = life force than ones being-awareness, and there are 7 followed by 27 zeros atoms (approx), in the human physical body! And that my beingness has but a fraction of this life force.
Fear and anxiety is accumulating as I /we are also waiting to hear about 2 other family member’s biopsy results. So now I add myself, seems overwhelming. I do not want to tell my husband but I may. It just seems then we’ll be talking about it more and he willworry and this may add to my worry, but I am not positive about this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand the very origin of myself/me in the here of my being and my body and my alignment to the physical and so this physical existence .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect me, my body and this very existence that I exist within.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become fear/worry/anxiety, fear of loss, fear of death and suffering, and as fear/worry/anxiety think ‘OMG, I could have breast cancer, I have done this to myself, is it too late to heal?’ In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the worst, becoming the ‘disaster’ character.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in imaginations of: being told I have cancer in a doctor’s office, being in the clinic/on the table as they do the procedure, being in pain from the biopsy, getting a phone call from my doctor with results or just to come in which means it is not benign, being told it is benign, having pictures of my 2 family members (who are awaiting biopsy results) come up in my mind, being told family member’s results: good and bad.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to in backchat like: I hate tests/biopsy, I am afraid it will be painful, why don’t they sedate you, it’s cruel. I hate the doctors and nurses/technicians and I dread waiting for that phone call. If I talk to people about this, it makes it more real, if I talk about it I will focus more on it and that can make matters worse. Why am I so fearful if I havn’t even had the test yet-so have not heard the result yet! I could die, I don’t want to die. I’m sure it’s benign, they said it looks benign, then why do they want to do a biopsy? (I know why) what if it’s not benign…
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the following emotional reactions, in and around this issue: FEAR: fear of loss of my life, fear of death, fear of an incurable disease, fear of pain/suffering, fear of losing a family member, fear of another family member having cancer again, fear of a life wasted/or not lived to my utmost potential. Also, stress, anxiety, tension, worry, regret, anger at medical people and anger at myself/self-blame/self-judgement.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into physical body/behavioral changes and consequences like: tension /tightness in my chest and shallow breathing, breathing too quickly, pain/tension in my shoulders and upper back/back of neck and head, anxiety stirring in my solar plexes and stomach. This has the consequence of putting too much stress on my digestive system, trouble sleeping, possibly increasing number/severity of menopausal sweats, creating energies /usingenergy to eat away at the flesh thereby possibly creating the very disease/condition I am concerned about, using the body to feed the mind consciousness systems so strengthen the mind and all it’s energetic reactions instead of strengthening my resolve here.
Please Read: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer
From Eqafe : My Life With Cancer
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