Here I begin to examine my feelings of inferiority towards M, a point which has been suppressed within me my entire life. This is a new point that emerged when speaking with my DIP Buddy, as she assisted me to see how my reaction of fear was actually one of feeling inferior. I did not know that!
But whoooa…gotta back up to fully understand, point by point, what is going on within the mind to truly change oneself and not kid yourself with another quick fix, thinking I have changed/transcended a point within me, only to have it possess me the next time I speak with or see that same person, over and over again!
Throughout the last 3 years I have become more aware of my own mind-meaning I am no longer accepting my mind to simply suppress this point of inferiority, so I am able to identify the emotions that come up after speaking on the phone or in person to M. Actually, reactions come up when I simply think about speaking to M in some future moment!
Let’s see if I can piece some of this together, as it seems rather muddled like a puzzle to me in this moment. I will look at some of my inner conversation/backchat that inevitably comes up. It starts with a fear like paranoia, “I do not trust M, he/she is out to get me, definitely knows how to ‘push my buttons’ hmm, just like my dad, he/she is sneaky and mean and enjoys humiliating me, how sick, I don’t trust M or my dad, they have similar nasty vindictive behavior/responses towards me, I can’t feel at ease taking to them, I never know when they will ‘attack’ me, they are inconsistent and unpredictable, I’m on edge and then as soon as I let my guard down and I am feeling normal/some confidence/comfortability BOOM they get me again!, Man I never learn, what do I expect. “
So, this is my interpretation/perspective. Trouble is there is no understanding or room for growth within the relationship, no building trust through mutual respect and support, it is like I am /we are in a vortex, time looping as in replaying the same stuff over and over. Time to STOP and change this pattern for good!
The Pattern: swinging from one polarity to the other
From Inferiority: this comes out as fear of being put down/humiliated/having my buttons pushed *This mostly comes up in my subconscious and/or unconscious mind, although I am starting to becoming aware of it.
To Superiority: then I go into my ego within self-interest (a desire existent within me like, ‘F** just give me what I want/agree with me) this comes out as emotional reactions of blame, anger/frustration which builds into anxiety. *Conscious Mind
back to inferiority: as fear builds once again that they ‘did it again, I am all upset after having been with them/speaking to them, damn it!’…and on it goes
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