Day 313: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 2

energy-as-demon-possessionPlease read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 for proper context to this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I don’t trust her, I feel manipulated and angry’.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in  anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, insecurity, blame, comparison, competition and self-righteousness which is veiling an emotion of SUPERIORITY, where I feel better about myself by putting her down in my mind, placing myself above her in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat like: how did she do that, I told her 3 times I did not want a presentation at my house where I have to invite people and now there is a date set up?! no one wants to come, I tried the first time and people cancelled. no one wants this stuff. this is so 80’s, home parties and discounts. Both these women are so ‘dynamic’ and good looking and sexy. I am not so much anymore, maybe I should try harder like I used to. I can look like they do if I try. My friend is so interesting, she is very knowledgeable about many topics. My husband thinks she is very attractive in many ways. I don’t trust her. I used to have terrible nightmares about her sleeping with my husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  then react  by bullying myself into guilt for my initial reaction of anger, with inner chatter like, ‘she’s really not so bad, I shouldn’t criticize her’.  And behind the guilt is the reaction of  fear, fear of being manipulated/ taken advantage of/lied to/spited/losing my partner/physically harmed.  Behind the fear is what I was trying to hide from,  lifting the veils of self-deception to get to the truth of me (at least of my mind), a more deep rooted belief of INFERIORITY.

Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in inferiority to a person I define as a strong character  and think ‘I cannot say no to them’. Thus,  I am not directing myself in self-honesty here but allowing my mind to bully me into doing things out of obligation/need to be liked/fear because of a self-belief that I am inferior/not good enough/helpless/weak/limited. So it is not so much that I was manipulated into doing something but that I believed I was incapable of  speaking up and telling my friend ‘no, thank you’ when she told me about her skin care products. 

To Continue

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