Day 314: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 3

women 2Please read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 and Part 2 for proper context to this blog.

From Part 1:  Here I am opening up a new point, in which I can see from my very title, how I ALLOWED myself to be manipulated

Continuing with Commitment  and Self-Corrective Application Statements:

When and as I see myself thinking how I don’t trust another and coveting my emotions of anger, self-righteousness with the hidden starting point of superiority I stop, I breathe. I realize no one forced me to do anything, blaming another for my actions is useless. I can see I only need to remind myself to slow down within interactions with others and be aware of what I speak and agree to, as well to not have expectations of the other person or a desire/want attached to the worlds I speak. I understand I was afraid to say no to this person as I did not want to be seen as unsupportive thus disliked.  Therefore, I commit myself to slow down and consider what I am participating in and why, also to allow myself to be noncommittal to a person for a time, while I figure things out so only say ‘I am not sure, I will have to get back to you about this issue’.

When and as I see myself going into emotions of anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, insecurity, blame, comparison, competition and self-righteousness which is veiling the emotion of SUPERIORITY I stop, I breathe. I realize it is on purpose my mind wants me to focus on the other person in this instance, like ‘they are wrong, they are always like this, I can’t trust them’, so I do not look within my own self/being and take responsibility for my own reactions!  I also realize this is how women remain/become enemies within separation through embracing the design of competition and comparison instead of embracing each other as support/respect/sharing/caring.  I understand I do not require to ‘feel better’ about myself-placing myself above another in superiority, or feel anything at all, I simply require to direct a situation, within calmness and breath, toward a solution that would be best for all involved.

When and as I see myself engaging in inner conversation/backchat that is full of anger, insecurity and comparisons around this issue of my friend wanting to sell me skin care products I stop, I breathe. I realize when I participate in this inner dialogue, I come to beLIEve it  and I become it, as these thoughts are living words.  I realize I do not know how my friend experiences her mind or what her pre-programmed thoughts are thus I have no right to blame or judge her.  Also, I understand that I do not control others so it is useless to worry about my partner having an affair with this person/leaving me for this person-essentially I only have myself and I am learning to treat myself with respect and care and that includes being in control of my own mind.  Thus, I commit myself to bring myself out of my mind of chatter at the first thought/pixel by focusing on what is here in reality, as well I commit to focus on supporting the people I am in contact with/close to in this life instead of imagining shit about them, wasting my time. Lastly, I commit to speaking up in self-honesty if I am unsure of a point of a decision that needs to be made, versus staying in-security/silent within self-interest.

When and as I see myself becoming/living the self-definition, based on the starting point of inferiority, of ‘I’m not good enoughmeaning: not clever enough/smart enough/tough enough to deal with this situation/handle this person I stop, I breathe. I realize I programmed this self-definition of inferiority a very long time ago, as a child when I was afraid to speak up in my home and I was afraid of my father-somewhat my mother.  I realize, I chose at that time to hide/ become less/shrink from the world instead of reach out for assistance and support, I understand I did not have the tools to do so, thus it is not about self-blame. I no longer choose to participate in this self-victimizing  behavior, thus I commit myself to push myself beyond my pre-programming and accepted limitations and speak up/take chances/make mistakes because today I chose to learn/grow /expand and in so doing  I support myself and others in this one life here.


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