Here I am opening up a new point that emerged, which really surprised me! I remembered that Sunette had said one can ask ones physical body questions. That sounded very cool to me but I doubted I could do this successfully, like ‘oh wow, I probably can’t do that, she can /others can but not me…anyway, how does your body tell you the answer and how do you know it’s not your just your mind chatting away with answers you want to hear?’ Meaning, how do I know it is not just my pre-programmed mind, based on how I have designed/programmed it over my lifetime, with all the opinions based on my memories and self-interest/ego, emotions such as fear/worry/anger/hope etc?
I kind of forgot/put aside Sunette’s suggestion for the last few months.
Then, a few days ago, in the afternoon/early evening, I asked my body-and then specifically I asked my breasts-and then more specifically I asked the actual condition itself being calcification in my breasts– (note: there are blogs before and after this post in relation to this topic, as this was initially unpublished) out loud this question, ‘what memories am I holding onto or suppressing in relation to this, what memories do I need to look at and apply self-forgiveness on?’
I had several self-doubts and self-judgments come up, like ‘probably nothing will happen’ and ‘I better be sure my mind doesn’t interfere’ and ‘how will I know anyway!?’
So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting before falling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up! Most of them I had not thought about for years and they were all of the same theme-for lack of a better word-and time period with my life. All of the memories were of The Songwriter, especially the period in my life before I stopped drinking, memories of different people I had met, places I found myself, amazing.
Also, what is really cool is, I would have never guessed-one should never assume when it comes to this process, being the Desteni I Process– that these memories would be the ones I needed to address/introspect/look at and walk a process on. I thought they were too small/insignificant to have any substantial affect on myself/being/mind and especially my physical body. I also thought it would be ONE thing/person/memory-a big event in my life/trauma, anyway something boom/obvious. Usually I would have memories of a musician I dated during those years, come up in my mind, which were/are disturbing enough. I suppose I suppressed/shoved down all the many places I went/people I met during this quest lol.
Rather, what came up was memory after memory (for about 10-20 minutes) of when I was focusing on songwriting in my life. I spent much time writing/playing guitar and keyboard, singing, some recording, some performing and alot of time connecting with other musicians/songwriters trying to get something going with others to move ahead in the music industry, as it is costly/time consuming/technical/requires many different skills and talents so obviously difficult to do alone.
Mostly what stood out in these memories flashing up, one after another (but not too fast that it was overwhelming-like a steady/calm/easy flow) was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time. And I experienced regret that night, like ‘what a waste, I never got to know so many of the people I met, what a waste of time chasing a dream’.
The overall feeling/emotion that I had that night (besides being in awe/surprised/and grateful that these suppressed memories were emerging) was of regret, sadness, guilt, that I was so lost in self-interest I minimized so many people along the way, minimized their value of life as equal to my own. I have guilt that I used people or I was in fear of them using me. I assumed they were not as important as I was or, in polarity, that I was not as important as them. Upon meeting someone, I would quickly assess them and placed them either above or below me in my mind, as either inferior or superior, rarely if ever, seeing them in equality. If they were talented, I feared they wouldn’t want to work with me and I would take what I could from them. If I saw them as not so talented I judged them as inferior and expendable or I did not want to work with them.
I FEEL A HEAVINESS OVERCOME ME AS I WRITE THIS, deep SADNESS and a DREAD.
OVERALL NEGATIVE DISTURBING/DIFFICULT FOR I WAS relatively SHY/INTROVERTED/ AFRAID OF PEOPLE ESPECIALLY MEN and particularily when it came to singing! I PUSHED MYSELF HARD but not in a healthy way, I OFTEN FORCED MYSELF, it is DISTURBING to me now HOW I MISUSED MY BODY AS THIS WAS SO ALIEN TO ME SINGING/WRITING/PLAYING. I was EXPOSING MYSELF/ VULNERABLE TO groups of men-musicians I DID NOT KNOW again and again, sometimes IN A SETTING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN DANGEROUS because sometimes I USED ALCOHOL EXTENSIVELY FOR LIQUID COURAGE. HARMING MYSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR supposed FAME, SUCCESS, FORTUNE, ROMANCE as in an IDEA OF MARRIAGE AND HUSBAND/SAVIOR. I used alcohol TO HELP me HAVE COURAGE TO KEEP GOING-keep the dream = delusion going, time after time I did not make a lasting connection with others in this field, I would give up, and break the connection or they would break the connection so I felt abandoned over and over, I believed myself a failure over and over, not good enough over and over. I used the mixture of alcohol, songwrting and spirituality to keep me occupied to AVOID the PAIN OF my MARRIAGE BREAKUP, to AVOID DEEP INFERIORITY issues, I USED MUSIC as an IDEA OF ‘MY CALLING’ PURPOSE IN LIFE TO AVOID FACING MYSELF /MY LIFE.
I WOULD HAVE BACKCHAT ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS MOSTLY PUT MYSELF DOWN, SAY I NOT AS GOOD/GOOD ENOUGH, but the truth is I never had the patience to perfect any necessary skills – or the money/capital – to truly succeed in the music business: vocal, playing piano or guitar, songwriting, becoming my own engineer and producer but mostly marketing and/or computer skills to market myself , as the little I did reach out I often got a good response/some small successes-steps ahead.
CHILDHOOD MEMORY: In fact, one of my prominent childhood memories, which would become and remain a self-defining moment/a self-definition, was when I was about 5-7 years old, my girlfriend was very disappointed in me, in fact she said ‘Sandy, I’m ashamed of you’ when I refused to sing/perform for our parents, as we had often. Alas, I had became old enough to be aware of myself and was suddenly self-conscious, no longer an innocent child. I HAD BIT THE APPLE OF GOOD AND EVIL (spelled backwards is LIVE) and could not perform freely anymore, I think I realized I was not that ‘good/talented’ but just ok and our parents were just being polite/enjoying their children and I WAS EMBARRASSED/HUMILIATED/EXPOSED AND DID NOT WANT TO CONTINUE, I WANTED TO HIDE/BE INVISIBLE.
I relate this to my dad, not so much my mom, like pictures of him always pop up in my mind when I access this memory. I assumed he judged me for this = my feeling of shame. Of course, it is not his fault I connected/experienced myself as shameful when I thought ‘I cannot sing in front of others anymore’, after this moment. Basically, I never sang-solo- again. I enjoyed being in the chorus, in high school musical productions, and I did audition and dream of getting a lead role but I had zero confidence.
Timeline: Horrible Shocks to my body/being
*started turning to a higher power-god
*songwriting and singing-suddenly-out of fucking nowhere
*started reaching out to others-very frightening shocking to me-meeting musicians/producers
*started hearing voices/mental illness-huge shock to my being/body/mind
*started using alcohol to deal with hearing voices-huge shock to my body and being
*forced myself to write alot/sing/reach out to others/perform-constantly meeting new people and having my music judged/heard/listened to and critiqued