Day 317: Suppressed Memories Harming My Body 2: Healing Process

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reactions-heal deep tissue

breasts and songwriting:  BREASTS-NURTURING re: EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS TEND TO LIMIT YOU/COMPROMISE YOU AND YOUR EXPRESSION

Please read the previous post for context to this blog.

From the precious post: So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting before falling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up…Mostly what stood out in these memories was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.

I will approach this from the starting point within the thought, ‘All those people I met over the years I was writing, why did I force these situations onto myself, chasing nothing in the end, what a waste of time!’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase a dream, an idea of success, fame, fortune -and specifically attention through using music to create an identity and purpose for my life-through songwriting and in that force myself, rather than really look at the situation in reality and gently push myself in awareness, to grow/expand within writing, singing, playing an instrument and then to slowly share my music with others, after I had perfected it.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand how I was controlled by feelings of excitement, greed, ego within self-interest and how they fed into my fantasy of being a successful songwriter, like a drug.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from/suppress the truth of me, which was that I feared I was not good enough and I wanted to ‘prove’ myself as a songwriter thus proving to the men in my life, that they were wrong to treat me badly.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a self-belief that I am not good enough and blame others, mostly my father and men I had a relationship with, for my own self-victimization.

songwriterI forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to always rush, within an emotional reaction of fear that there is not enough time to accomplish goals, so I never slowed down enough to genuinely examine/face the facts/reality of my life and make the necessary changes within myself, which would have resulted in real change, personal growth and advancement.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a belief in a higher power, who supposedly wanted me to be a songwriter, wherein I beLIEved I was like a savior character, here to write enlightening music, desiring ‘specialness’.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to come from the starting point of superiority/ego in relation to these memories, which was in reality suppressing/veiling the truth of me, that I felt inferior and that is why I was in such a rush, going from one opportunity/person to work with, to the next as I had no real/solid confidence in myself/my abilities and so could never settle down and do the work to completion.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand how the mind can take something like vulnerability and spin it to its own benefit so I didn’t know I was fooling myself, wherein I wanted to push my own boundaries and meet other musicians to team up with, not realizing that I was still coming from the same starting point and platform of self-abuse that has always been there throughout my life — where the ‘pushing’ was actually a ‘forcing’ adding to the self-abuse, while I believed I was changing myself.

To continue

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