From the precious post:So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting before falling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up…Mostly what stood out in these memories was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.
Continuing With Self-Forgiveness:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘not good enough’ when meeting musicians to associate with and react with embarrassment, fear, inferiority, insecurity and go into self-sabotage where I imagine before and/or after we meet, how they will reject me. Alternatively, I fall into the polarity playout where I desire a positive energy experience I judge another as ‘not good enough’ and react with superiority instead of slowing down and, within common sense, teaming up with others who I can work with to create and perfect music at a steady pace.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who is easily embarrassed, where I react with fear/worry/anxiety when I have to ‘put myself out there’ by performing/singing/speaking in public or meeting new people, coming from the starting point of inferiority, where I assume it is ok for others because they are competent or talented or prepared but I am not these things, like, ‘I am not good enough so I will make a fool of myself’.
Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself within songwriting to come from the starting point of comparison and competition when meeting other musicians/writer, instead of enjoying the journey in each moment, seeingothers as one and equal to myself, considering how I can assist and support another and genuinely allowing another to assist me, versus seeing another as a ‘means to an end’ in self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this inferiority/superiority playout, which is basically competition, exists in my own mind as how I have programmed myself to see/interpret/define reality.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that comparison and competition are programs/systems in the mind, designed solely for the purpose of separation, and within this division I only see/interpret my world/reality and another’s world one-dimensionally so I am not able to see myself/another in totality and so cannot consider everything involved in any given situation.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how I used alcohol to force myself to continue ‘soldiering on’ with this quest/dream, forcing myself to keep writing, connecting, sometimes performing (I mostly drank at homealone and was hung over out in public) versus gently pushing myself in a practical way, keeping in mind that I was not used to performing/presenting something I had created to others and keeping in my mind childhood/past, so that I was not genuinely loving and respectful to myself/my body as there was no other/man in my life to abuse me, I became my own abuser, resulting in/having the consequence of other areas of my life being neglected, primarily financial responsibilities and I fell into debt.