Please read Part 1 and 2 for proper context to this blog.
From the previous post: HereI am looking atthe relationships between myself and my two children, in order to understandcertain thought and emotional patterns I have developed toward them. This series and specifically this interview greatly assisted me: Eqafe Interview: Parenting Part 50: Sibling Rivalry: The Gifts, to realize that this is something I need to investigate and correct within myself, in order for that correction to pool out and into our relationships, to create an environment for growth.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anger that my son will become verbally abuse to women, where I project my past relationships with men onto him, and thus react to him instead of slowing myself down looking at the point in that moment as what he is experiencing and I am experiencing and directing the point in a stable manner.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be secretly pleased that my daughter has accomplished some things in her life that I had not, seeing myself as being seen in a ‘good light’, like this reflects well on me/I am vindicated after many humiliations as an active alcoholic/and like I am special because: she went to a somewhat prestigious university, she has stable female relationships/friendships, she chose a partner who is financially stable, she is highly organized and competent, she is mentally stable, she does not drink much alcohol, she doesn’t seems to take many things as personally as I did (not as fearful of men for example as I was), she has a very cool career ahead of her.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am projecting an idea onto her, within self-interest, and putting her on a pedestal, labeling her ‘box’ with words/phrases like: stable, works so hard, responsible, reliable, so consistent and competent, perfectionist, she’ll be very successful within all areas of life, I don’t need to worry about her and within this, going into comparisons and self-judgements.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a polarized relationship existent within and as me, between my children, where I label one as ‘the difficult and challenging one/the artistic one/how will he ever make it in life?!’ and the other as ‘the successful one/the steady and practical one/the one I don’t need to worry about’.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is how my parents labelled me as , ‘the one we don’t need to worry about’ and I did not like it , I did at first but then resented it and acted out as an adult to prove them wrong/demand attention almost like ‘I need your attention too!!’ and I actually felt shy/fearful/insecure/alone and very suppressed as a child
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react when she is not perfect, ie. she becomes reactive towards me/is angry with me, and I then react with anger, blame and judgement and spite in my secret mind, ‘she’s not sweet, she’s mean like the rest of them’.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess (less so in the last year) that she will befall some accident or illness, and engage in reactions of worry, fear, anxiety, where I go into blaming my ex for her living up north, where the winter driving is dangerous. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in worries that have little basis in reality, as I create them out of thin air, projecting my past onto her life, with backchat like ‘things could fall apart, you never know, it’s too good to be true’, and ‘she’s too sweet and naive, I’m afraid she will get hurt, I’m afraid she will be taken advantage of’.
In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not considering what is real, as in really happening /occurring in her life, which is fine, as I am blinded by fear of loss (which has a starting point of self-interest) and angered by lack of control within their adulthood. It is seldom that I simply, peacefully think of my daughter or son without some worry popping up.