There is a person in my life who has a pattern of being present for awhile and then ‘disappearing’ for a number of months. This is someone I have been concerned about with some health problems. Recently, we made tentative plans to see one another but there came that familiar interruption, as suddenly there is no response to my efforts of communications, it literally just stops. So I let it go, but inevitably, like when I awoke this morning, I experience myself within superiority where I react with anger, judgments, blame and assumptions then I swing to polarity, experience myself as inferior to the situation- like I have no control, by reacting with worry and guilt, where I become the ‘bullying character’ for having talked badly of her in my secret mind.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the fist pixel as a picture of X arising in my mind and think, ‘ X is so unreliable, I’m so frustrated’ and then participate in thinking patterns with backchat like, ‘ I don’t know if I should call or text. I hope X isn’t drinking again. I hope Y doesn’t leave, how would X cope with life alone?’
Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the past with me, holding onto memories with opinions, assumptions and judgments of X, all arising from my sub-consciousness into my consciousness, as what I have layered over time in my physical body.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior and connecting the emotional reactions of anger, blame, judgement because X did not return my text messages about our plans to get together.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then swing to the polarity of inferiority within the situation around X where I imagine the worst, and react with fear, worry, anxiety AND where I bully/judge myself -for having judged her- and react with guilt.
In that, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that my emotional reactions are mostly based in self-interest, as how her life/a change in her life situations would effect my life and relationship with X.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that it is my own desire for control, because I do not like how I am ‘feeling’/experiencing myself within fretting about something I cannot change, where I believe I can change a situation/how I am feeling about something, by participating in thoughts and energies of worry about it, but it does not work! In fact, engaging in my mind of thoughts/emotions just creates anxiety or suppression/an illusion of resolution where I am lying to myself. Whereas, writing it out or speaking it out loud, slows everything down and I can see all the points in reality.
When and as I see myself going into thought patterns about X, where I swing within polarized reactions, from experiencing myself as superior, connecting the emotional reactions of anger and blame TO inferior where I go into guilt and worry for her health and safety I stop, I breathe. I remind myself I am a physical being here and to focus on what is real before me, out of my mind. I realize I do not know all that X is experiencing within her mind/her pre-progamming, thus cannot judge her. I remind myself to treat her as I would want to be treated, so to stand as an example of stability means to be understanding, kind and patient. I also realize some people are indeed unreliable and all I can do is be aware of this when we make plans. I remind myself that even though I desire control in this situation, I do not have control over others but I can allow others to walk their own processes in their lifetime, while not holding onto any expectations, where I can be setting myself up for disappointment. Thus, I commit myself to be patient with X, to continue to be here when she needs me, giving unconditionally not expecting anything in return, simply enjoying sharing/her company when we do get together.
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