Day 329: Which Character I am Playing this Morning?

worried-womanI am looking at changing the time it takes me to write out a point to completion, as in it’s taking too long lol! This new approach, not to be less thorough but to be facing myself in self-honestly each and everyday, as what is coming up and either speaking/applying my corrective application or out writing it out. I will examine the most glaring dimensions here and not necessarily all, as in thought/fear/backchat/emotions/body changes/consequences. Sometimes I will look at re-defining a word within the blog.

I am also attempting to get up in immediacy when I wake up each morning, so not starting /downloading the ‘thinking machine’/thought patterns for the day that keep me living in the past!

This morning I got up and had a picture of my neice (actually my nephew’s partner) in my mind, then started the thinking pattern of how I worry about her health and the two of them in general. Tadaa…the worried aunt.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of the first pixel- as a picture of X- arising in my mind and then following that picture and making this illusion, which is simply energy based on the past, my reality, so I miss what is actually before me, as I am simply following and reacting to pictures and thus not creating myself/my life as in moving/growing/expanding as a person, but behaving as an organic robot, following a script-as my pre-programmed life path, in this case becoming ‘the worried aunt’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat like, ‘I have to send X that link I found, I hope she doesn’t think I’m interfering, I hope she is ok, Y is under so much pressure, what if he starts drinking too much? There is so much alcoholism in the family, I hope their mortgage isn’t too big, what if they have kids and the pressure is much for them?…’ and connect pictures of other family members.

In this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in imaginations where I come from the starting point of fear, seeing playouts in my mind of the worst possible scenarios, then connecting more emotional reactions of worry, helplessness, hopelessness, some blame of others, and guilt.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to not see/realize/understand that going into these thinking patterns, then imaginations and then the emotional reactions that follow, is useless as it does not change anything, instead it takes me away from this real moment so that I am unable to effectively direct myself here, as how I could support/assist in practical ways, and the fact is their lives are stable right now so I am just occupying my mind with nonsense.

When and as I see myself following my mind down the rabbit hole, within pictures of my relatives popping up in my mind I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself I am only being pre-occupied so as to not fully realize who I am as life here versus who I am as the mind, I already know who I am as the mind/past but I do not know who/all I can be as a fully physical being. I realize I already have context of X and Y’s life and do not need memories to tell me what to do/how to direct myself within my day. I also realize caring does not equal ‘thinking about/worrying about’ and I am here for them if/when they need me. I understand existing in worry is not best for me/best for all and it is no longer acceptable to me to believe this energy as truth, it is not truth, life is truth and life is here, out of the mind. Thus, I commit myself to stop myself at the first pixel/picture coming up, thus stopping the inevitable thinking patterns/imaginings/emotions and harmful behavioral changes (like anxiety/stress in my body) that follow.



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