Not knowing what to do, activates insecurity: this comes out as /manifests as disempowerment, inferiority to the moment/situation, and fear and dependent on your programming depends on how you will handle the situation, also how you handle it will depend on how your parent/caregiver handled it-they learned it- and so on, generation after generation. In some people, the mind then polarizes the insecurity to the illusion to of empowerment, authority, control and superiority through yelling, shouting, bullying.
This explains my Dad’s behaviour and my reaction to it! Dad was not taught how to deal with emotional energies coming up nor was he taught how to parent effectively–stress would come along within his day–he would come home to a certain situation with one or more of his children–and not know how to deal with it, like ‘I don’t know what to do?!’ ‘I have lost control of this situation/I have never faced this before’–this creates an INSECURITY coming up in ones mind –coming out as fear/stress/anxiety/anger within oneself–so my dad searched sub-consciously within himself for a reference but only came up with how his dad handled stressful situations with his children, which was through yelling/hitting–this is a false POWER/AUTHORITY as it simply uses a force of ‘I’m bigger than you’ like bullying to temporarily control the situation, in this case his children, without sharing self-honestly like ‘Ok kids, we have a problem here, how can we together create a solution?’ kind of thing.
In that moment of my Dad yelling at me/us, I ALSO ‘did not know what to do’ so I copied the example before me, my dad and went into/learned insecurity.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react within victimization/victimizing myself as a child to be exposed to verbal and emotional abuse and to personalize this abuse like I ‘deserved it’ or at least it was ‘mine’ instead of realizing it was my dad’s insecurity and I did not need to ‘take it on’/incorporate it into myself and my life/living as an automated response , learning to respond to a problem/situation by becoming fearful/anxious, and behind this reacting within INSECURITY, ‘OMG, this is new, I have never faced this, I don’t know what to do!’
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment of facing an authority figure where this person is speaking to me/is upset with me, my first reaction is ‘I don’t know what to do!’ and then I go into the insecurity construct I learned from my childhood, where I experience myself as inferior and respond with fear/anxiety, then because I am uncomfortable with this emotional response of insecurity, I (sometimes) swing to the polarized reaction of superiority, by creating a false sense of empowerment, control, authority, where I connect the emotional reactions of blame, anger, and self-righteousness.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have been blaming my dad, my whole life for my own reaction of fear, when I perceive someone to be an authority figure, blaming my intimidation/my decisions-even major life changing decisions/my mistakes-financial struggles, alcoholism, isolation/my extreme personality ON MY DAD, when he learned this behavior from his DAD, so on it goes, blame is useless as one does not take self-responsibility and the behavior gets on passed from generation to generation.
When and as I see myself wanting to blame my dad for how he became a bully by accessing the insecurity program within himself, as how he learned this from his father, where he did not know how to handle a situation with his children and went from fear/insecurity/inferiority to the polar response of a false empowerment/superiority by shouting, yelling, threatening, bully his children, I stop and I breathe. I realise and understand that I am in that moment participating within my mind‘s victimization construct, where I will shift responsibility to how I feel, how I experience myself and how I came out in life, what I’ve created out of my life, onto my parents THROUGH BLAME. Therefore I remove the trigger point and thought pattern with self-forgiveness and I direct myself in breath not allowing myself to participate within the victimization construct, because I realize that I have created it in order to not have to take responsibility for my life and my choices.
I commit myself to removing the blame and victimization constructs from my mind, because I realise and understand that I have created it within myself in order to not to have to be held accountable for my actions, choices and decisions.
Note: This point has been a core issue/main theme throughout my life, I will thus re-visit it from time to time.
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