Day 331: Envy

envyI would like to share some of what I realized after listening to this awesome series about Envy from Eqafe:  Atlanteans: 259 Envy-Introduction   Here are some of the questions it answers:  How does the emotional experience of envy take over your being and body? What is it about envy that makes the experience so intense?  How is the intensity of envy equal in all people, but at the same time is experienced to a greater or lesser degree?  How do your personalities play a role in either allowing you to become possessed by envy or suppressing it?   

So what is envy? Envy is an emotion-or more specifically an experience- that arises when we desire something that someone else has, that we perceive we do not have. It manifests as a combination of emotional reactions of anger, jealousy and hate.

I have experienced much envy in my life, and still do within memories of certain people, 3 or 4 people in particular, during a period of my life when I had no money/was struggling financially as a single parent . As such, I am exisiting as a ‘living memory’ instead of as the ‘living word’. As I allow the past to possess me within my own mind of pictures, thoughts, thought patterns (old tapes playing in the mind), past memory playouts, and imaginations (if/as I change the memory, in awareness or unconsciously, where I come out better or ‘ahead’, in order to change how I experience energy, from a negative energy experience to a positive one).

As I do this, engage in envy in the mind, I feel those familiar friends I know so well rise up from my solar plexes into my chest, anger, hate, jealousy, I experience myself as  inferior but often then fall into guilt for having blamed and judged another so harshly. I really have little to no resentments towards these people, nothing/not much went wrong/happened within our relationships, it is strictly the money point.

What do I envy?  Material possessions that are paid for like home/cottage/car, time and opportunity for enjoyment and self-growth, & a financially stress free life. The interesting thing is, I am financially stable now, have all I need and enjoy some ‘wants’ now and then, as well. I can see how these memories come up mostly from associations/connections throughout my day, like today when I saw a woman wearing a certain kind of winter boot- with a prestigious label who are known to engage in horrific animal abusepractices- where my quantum mind associated the word ‘elite’, then I have judgements/blame pop up about ‘the ignorant elite’ and then a picture of one of these people/or their name/or picture of one of their cottages and voila I react in anger, jealousy, hate = the design/manifestation of envy  -cause I want to have money like them, a lovely home, a happy stable partnership, a vacation not paid by credit, a nice car that is paid for, no financial stress 

But wait…although I don’t have the extreme wealth these people do, today I do have these things!  So what is going on, why do I still have envy?

Why do I follow the first thought/pixel when it comes up in my mind? What does it give me?

I have identified 3 personalities that keep me stuck in a timeloop-as they feed and feed off of – the emotional experience of envy:

childhood elite character: where I allow a feeling of entitlement to possess me, ‘their life should be my life, this is where I came from’ kind of thing, this entitlement mixes with the anger, jealousy and hate as I allow it to fester, grow.

the poor single mother– where I would react with blame and connect reactions of self-pity and jealousy letting it possess me

the alcoholicallowed me to suppress when envy came up

Within these personalities I see a pattern of blaming, not standing up and taking responsibility, as in , ‘they have wronged me/life has wronged me so I am right to blame’. With blame, I can do nothing as I am supposedly not responsible for the consequences that manifest in my life and I am not responsible to change myself-my thoughts, words and deeds- thus I remain stuck. This keeps me aligned/resonating within the above personalities whom I still identify with/define myself/define my life/still gives me worth-reason to exist, like ‘this is who I am /why I am the way I am today so I don’t have to change, it’s not my fault so it’s not my responsibility, I’m the victim here’. Thus I victimize/sabotage myself by living in the past!

Today I see I am keeping these personalities alive by creating a new character, the defender where I think, ‘I was the wronged one, so now I will be the defender of all who are wronged in this unjust world, defender of all underdogs, protector of the weak, champion of the vulnerable’.

I can definitely see how it is really not the people I hate/am angry at but the system, as in the money system, government system, economic system.

To Continue

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