Continuing from the previous post: Day 331: Envy
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become envy, as I look externally at something someone else has and, as envy think, ‘I want that, I deserve that too, it’s not fair that they have that and I do not!‘
Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to another, where I connect the emotional reactions of blame, jealousy, anger and hate, simply because of something material they possess and I do not.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into blame and judgements of another/life itself-god-creators, and then guilt for my ‘bad luck’, my childhood, my life decisions where I experience myself as inferior, victimizing myself byconnecting emotional reactions of hopelessness/helplessness/giving up, thereby not standing within self-responsibility, not being the director of my own life but letting life ‘happen’ to me as I simply react to events/circumstances and manifested consequence for my own behavior, indeed my moment to moment thought/word/deed.
In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to stay stuck in envy instead of standing up, looking at my life within practicality and making decision based on reality within what is available, what is achievable with my circumstances, what do I need to do to achieve certain goals-job and education for such a job, seeing what I admire about someone else’s life and how can I practically achieve this or some form of it.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself/exist within personalities -childhood elite character/poor single mom/alcoholic/the defender of the poor- based on the past as memories, where I feed the design of envy – keeping it alive within and as me, so I relate these personalities as ‘this is who I am ‘ – thus remain a victim of the past, not allowing myself to live in reality-as financial stability today except through a new self-definition as’ the defender’, defining myself as the wronged one who now protects/defends other ‘wronged’ ones, carrying past anger/hate/jealousy/blame/judgement–as envy with me.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and imaginations in relation to envy, where I follow certain mind associations/connect what I see in my day to day life to memories of people, events, circumstances from the past, going down the rabbit hole by engaging in memory playouts and imaginings with all sorts of judgments and assumptions, when in truth I do not know how a person experiences themselves in their day to day life/what their mind programming is, I am just beLIEving my mind by looking at them one dimensionally- as what they own/how much money they have- not the totality of who they are/what they have lived/faced in their life .
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior and react in anger, hate, blame, judgement, toward certain people in my life/past instead toward the money system, as in the past I was quite powerless within my life situation financially because of the world systems/money system, these people I envied had got their wealth from/through the circumstances in their life, meaning family/marriage/inheritance, thus they had advantages/privileges/the whole system working with them (easy movement, less stress, easy loans/credit etc) so making changes/movement/creating their life was ‘doable’/possible. (note: I had some advantages but lost them through poor decision making resulting in bad credit).
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is the system I hate not people, thus in order to support and assist others out of poverty and create a stable life, we need to change the foundation/core of the world systems-the banking/government/corporate/legal/money systems – so all may experience a life worth living