Here, and in the next post, I am sharing some words I have re-defined for myself, through the Desteni I Process Pro course, to empower me/free me to live words in each moment, creating my life/reality using a genuine self-expression, no longer dragging around the weight/burden of the past within associations, memories, and emotional connections.
EXPLORE IN WRITING:
I have always tried to be a ‘good daughter’. Firstly/mostly as a child to ‘stay out of harms way’/be invisible (youngest of 4) as I saw my siblings getting in trouble, I witnessed my parents reacting to them and I developed a fear of their reactions being aimed toward me. So, even though the phrase has the word ‘good ‘ in it I gave it a negative charge/lived the phrase within a negative charge. I can see the polarity within the words and see that my desire was to not be a ‘bad daughter’. I understood that my parents were not always ‘right’ but they had all the power in the hierarchy of our family home, like’ even if I am right it doesn’t matter, my mom/parents take precedence’. To be self-honest, I feel much freer now- a relief- that my parents are gone, I no longer have to play the role of either ‘good daughter’ or the polarity ‘bad daughter’. However, to be fair, I cannot blame my parents for my reactions and behavior. I have had some guilt about this sense of freedom and see that I sometimes project it onto my children, within my imagination, from the starting point of fear, like, ‘I wonder if/I hope my children don’t feel that way about me someday’.
I feel I was a ‘good daughter’ (mostly meaning I played the role/stayed inside the lines) in the early years, school age years, until about 30 years old. Then, when I became a single parent and for about a ten year period, I fell a number of times: exposed stress, emotion, had money problems, borrowed money, had an alcoholic and mental breakdown, ruined their 50th wedding anniversary party through drunkenness, supposedly ’embarrassed’ and ‘shamed’ the family showing mental illness/alcoholism (they did not say this, they were quite cool about it but then silence, no pictures of the party, no one would ever speak of it).
Like I said, I feel much freer now, like a burden has been lifted, a burden like a role I had to play is over, I can just be me without feeling like I am disappointing my parents or they are looking at me/seeing me and expecting me to behave in a certain way…although again I can see how I project some of this onto my children/step daughter and husband today.
I can see here I have been blaming my parents for my own experience of feeling trapped/imprisoned/enslaved by others expectations and consequences-like guilt for them having to worry about me, I can see I assumed because they did not talk openly about issues that they did not want to /and or could not ‘handle the stress’ of my problems so I always felt like I had to ‘fake it’ when speaking to them on the phone/see them, use a light/perky voice like my mom did, this became so difficult/like a dread at times I would drink alcohol before calling them or call them when I was feeling ‘really good’ after I had had a few drinks-not too many lol
NEW DEFINITION: This is a phrase used to describe a female person whom I see as having positive values and attributes in relation to ones parents, that one agrees with.
Dictionary Definition: a legally, religiously, or socially sanctioned union of persons who commit to one another, forming a familial and economic bond
My definition: Living with a man in a formal legal agreement of union, in which you enjoy each others company, sex, and share finances BUT also a situation where you are often ‘on-edge’, being careful to not upset the man by what you speak/how you speak/what you do, so a situation where you suppress yourself a lot= just put up with the man to keep stability within the family, a situation that can be tiring, confusing, so exhausting at times I will fantasize I ‘win a million dollars’ and can leave the marriage.
Sounding: Carriage: someone ‘carrying’ you/you are dependent upon, a vehicle of transport to ‘get you where you want to go’
I can see I have given a negative charge to this word, based on my past as memories/experiences. Firstly, although my parents had a loving/committed relationship, as a child I witnessed the fear/apprehension my mom had about my dad, how she ‘tipped toed’ around him to protect herself and her children form his inconsistent behavior/alcoholism and I brought that behavior of ‘tip toeing ‘ around a husband believing a husband is kind of stupid and you need to ‘take care of them’ like a child, also that they are frightening and the bread winner so if you do not please them they could harm you/children emotionally and/or physically and/or lie/cheat/leave you and the kids and you will be in severe financial difficulty. Then similarly, all these points within my first marriage, as I married a man very alike to my father.
I also see how I have limited the word definition to a negative charge-based on past memories of my father & memories of my first marriage.
New Definition: A mutually agreed upon union of two beings, in which they share, and are responsible for, their physical space/home, finances, sex and offspring.
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